I think I can honestly say I am no more likely to think a woman wearing a hijabi has been hurt by a spouse than I would any other woman. But I confess when I see a bruised woman of any nationality/ethnicity that is one of my first thoughts.
Glad you are okay. I just had my own accident and know how fast something like that can happen and how scary it can be.
It's so interesting to me - I've gotten a few responses saying the same thing and I guess I'm relieved that there isn't an added assumption of violence based on ethnicity/religious affiliation, despite the fact that Muslim/Arab women are so often presented in the media as oppressed and Muslim/Arab men are so often presented in the media as violent/oppressive. Maybe the constant stereotyping isn't working as well as I was afraid it would (lol!).
I'm sorry you had an accident! are you ok? Were you cycling?
Well, I'm sure there are abused Muslim women. But I'm pretty sure there are the exact same number of Jewish, Christian, and atheistic abused women. Honestly, given my (somewhat) limited experience of Islam, I'd think there might be less abuse, which isn't to say there aren't problems with Islam. But again, there are problems with every single religious, ethnic, and cultural group worldwide. Because they're all made of the same thing -- very fallible human beings.
I remember in high school, there was suddenly this fascination with "honour killings" - which are of course awful! So some awful man would kill his wife or his daughter, and because he was Arab/Muslim it would be described as an honour killing in the paper and used to smear the whole community. But statistically speaking, there was as much or more domestic violence happening in other communities, but it wasn't being splashed all over the front page of a tabloid paper in the city.
There's a researcher named Dalia Mogahed - a Muslim American, who started an institute called ISPU I think, in the US, and she actually does demographic research on the American Muslim community so that she can provide valid statistics on what the community is actually like, rather than anecdotes being turned into this whole narrative. And statistically, Muslims are more likely to donate to charity and do community work - ha!
I'm always like "where are our headings for this stuff?" we don't want to propped up or lionized but it is exhausting being regularly demonized.
I am so sickened by the violence against babies, children, women, men, and humans of all persuasions. We have lost ourselves. As for a bruised woman, either in a hijab or not, I have to admit that my first thought is, 'What man?' Because it is men who perpetrate the violence in almost every case. We have failed as a society (Western, Eastern, everywhere) to educate men on the ways of civilization: respect and care for others, talking, not shooting, protection, not exploitation, and love, not hate. Our politicians are seduced by power to the extent that they embrace the one who promises it despite everything from minor misgivings to outright horror at the moral morass he embodies. I'm sorry to go off but, your story is multi-fold, and it lives in a world that presents itself as self-destructing. I hardly know where to spend my tears or at what to fling my words. There is so much pain and the inevitability of much, much more should we continue to ignore the path we are on and hope for respite without the work needed to change. First, we must educate our sons on ways of peace. Then, we must not judge before we know. Finally, we must act in whatever way we can to be the future we hope to live. Meanwhile, I hope you and all the daughters keep riding bikes, but please do not fall and bruise yourself again.
Don't be sorry, Dawn. You're welcome to go off anytime you want to, here. It's so interesting to me that now at least two of you assumed violence but it had more to do with my being a woman than my being hijabi. I know that I noticed the "oppressed Muslim woman" trope more than others, but I think it's true that there's just so much violence towards women in general. I am protective of my Arab or Muslim brothers and the men of marginalized identity who are assumed to be violent... My husband and my dad are two of the softest, most gentle men I know, but they're tall and Arab looking and I know that as a result, they and others who look like them are dehumanized...
Re the need to educate our sons in the way of peace, I couldn't agree more. My husband spends so much time with the boys re-iterating the importance of peace, the necessity of avoiding violence. They're gentle and I'm glad. I want them to always be gentle.
I'm hoping to get back on the bike in a couple of weeks. I just need the strength in my grip to come back, and the pain in my neck and face to go...
Just one more thing. One of the gentlest men I ever knew was my dear friend Glenn. He was 6'7" tall, a big black man with Umpqua heritage mixed in. I adored him. We'd have the greatest 'kitchen talks' while the rest of the party went on around us. His wife is still one of my best friends. He told me once that he'd consciously cross the road when he noticed fear on people's faces, especially women headed in his direction. He had no desire to frighten anyone. But this saddened him greatly. He didn't actively identify the fear as being about his color, but about his size. Yet, it certainly was about that as well. I miss him so much. There was no one like him.
Dawn, your comment about your friend Glenn reminded me of my son. He’s 6’9 and 31 years old. He too is a gentle giant, but his size intimidates people who don’t know him. He started losing his hair and getting a massive widows peak. He would keep what hair he had long and wear a hat all the time. Finally, I told him it was time to shave his head. He had avoided it because he didn’t want people to be even more afraid of him—a big white dude with a shaved head. Sure enough the day he shaved it he was standing in a line and said “excuse me” to a woman in front of him. She turned around and jumped saying how scary he looked. Then they started talking, but his worst fear came true right off the bat.
Oh, this makes me so sad for him! I'm glad they started talking. Talking is the only way forward to get to know one another. My grandson went bald by the time he was nineteen. He has a full, very black beard and a shiny bald head, which he keeps shaved. You can imagine the looks he gets. Luckily, he's kind of oblivious to it, and he laughs a lot. I wish we had welcome in our hearts for all kinds of difference. All our lives would be so much richer.
Oh Dawn, thank you for sharing that. It breaks my heart... I'm so sorry you don't have Glenn anymore...
I remember maybe 10 years ago, as I started to read more about unconscious bias, I started questioning myself, and realizing that I would become reflexively uneasy if I was walking alone at night and found a Black man nearby. As soon as I realized I was doing it, I was horrified with myself and started to actively question myself when it would happen. This active questioning and investigation led to the feelings of fear dissipating until they were gone. We are taught to fear and then that fear is used to dehumanize.
Noha, you're right. I made the assumption of physical abuse when you first described your face, and I'm so glad that wasn't the case.
For the record, I've had injuries to my face, and when I explained them, some people didn't believe me, assuming that they were the result of domestic abuse.
Diana, I really appreciate you sharing your first thoughts, and your story. I was so torn up about what people would think, both as a woman and as a visibly Muslim woman.
I started worrying about my husband, and whether anyone would think he was violent. Then I worried that I was spending more time worrying about that then about the actual injuries. Most of the bruising on my face is faded now - what's left is on my chin, and since I'm short, no one can see it unless I tip my face upward. But those first few days, I wanted to stop strangers on the street and say, "this is a bike injury"...
Powerful writing and reflections here, Noha. I’m not sure how to pick one thing to chime in on, so I’ll just say the examination of your inner life (and willingness to share it with us) is far from vanity. That inner knowing of self helps unlock potential in me to also evolve, to be more humane, to consider a wider scope of all experiences. 🧡
Thanks Amanda... That's generous of you - I really struggled with this one and almost didn't share it. One of my hopes with this newsletter is to open the door to that wider scope of experiences, so it's a huge comfort to know that it's getting through...
Oh Mary, it makes me feel just a little more human to know someone else is still thinking about them. It's so awful and it's so upsetting how little people seem to care. Our apathy is kicking in and the news cycle is moving on just as things are getting worse.
I'm definitely healing up but it's gonna be a while before I'm back to normal. A lot of gumming up food in the roof of my mouth 😅😅
Noha, I hope your face will be fully healed very soon, and I most certainly hope you haven't lost any readers halfway through when they hit the "political bit they haven't signed up for..." After all, everything is politics. Our every step. It's time to stop shying away from that fact.
I think it's tremendously important for all of us who have any sort of platform, no matter how small or big, to weave Gaza AND systemic injustice and violence across the planet into our personal stories. We all have a duty to make these hard topics relatable to everyone. I get a lot of hate for inserting Palestine into everything I write, particularly on Instagram, but I'll be damned if the pushback stops me from using my voice in this manner and pointing out what concerns all of us.
As for domestic violence, it was my first thought, not because I assume Muslim men are likely to be wife beaters (though I'm well aware there are people who think that, ugh), but because my lived experience makes me instantly worried for any wounded woman. I was born into domestic violence - so sadly, I'm painfully aware just how common it is. And also how hidden and erased it is because it's inconvenient for people and their myth of progress. I'm just glad that DV wasn't the case here ❤️
Ramona, this entire response makes me feel so seen and so understood. Thank you! Seriously, I have goosebumps. Yes to everything being political. Yes to the need to insert Gaza AND systemic injustice and violence into everything. Yes to using whatever voice and platform we have.
I'm so sorry you were born into domestic violence, and a lot of the other comments here have given me pause on my initial assumption - I think perhaps it may be better for people to worry, and so to be available to help, than not.
Thank you. People are definitely more open to help and stand up for victims of DV nowadays than they were back in the 90s when it all started for my mother. It's a good thing, but we would be lying to ourselves if we didn't admit that things are still far from ideal and there are still victims of DV everywhere who are silenced and shunned. Likewise, that there are horrendous prejudices based on religion, skin colour, gender etc, and that they're taking roots right now.
One thing I'm sure of - the people ready to assume a Muslim is abusing his wife because he's Muslim are the same people who would turn a blind eye to a woman in their own circle being abused when it's an inconvenience to their vision of a "good guy." They would pick their brother over believing brother's wife who is covered in bruises. They're the same people closing their eyes to Gaza, Sudan, Congo, the same people making apologies for colonialism. Violence and its defense are systemic and mirrored throughout the society.
" the people ready to assume a Muslim is abusing his wife because he's Muslim are the same people who would turn a blind eye to a woman in their own circle being abused when it's an inconvenience to their vision of a "good guy.""
Exactly exactly exactly...
We are so far from actual support. It's the same as how the All Lives Matter crowd doesn't want to do anything about homelessness, about addiction, about poverty.
Yeah… I used to think that something is wrong with me. I thought that this isn’t how I should think. But then I realized that I think this way because I’ve been taught to think this way.
The stories I have about social studies teachers who insisted again and again that we were oppressed. The number of times people told me "Oh but that's because your Canadian," when I pointed to my strong willed mother and my soft spoken father. It's hard not to expect it when that's what you've been fed. Maybe it's getting better.
hi. like others in the comments, i jumped to a conclusion of physical violence -- though, from a perspective on the other side. being a muslim myself, i initially thought that it came from an islamophobic attack, and i sighed of relief when i realised that wasn't the case. i find that interesting in relation to this post and the comments. thank you for sharing this, i'm glad you're okay. i pray the injury heals soon, Ameen. ♡
This IS interesting. I was waiting for another Muslim to see what your guess would be and I think it fits that you'd expect an Islamophobic attack. Alhamdulillah, I'm healing pretty well. Not back to normal yet but a lot closer than I thought I would be at this stage.
I love how, despite what’s going on, your work is a reminder to every reader that we cannot go on with business as usual. I pay attention that much more because I feel connected to you. Lately, I’ve been struggling. You know the loss we’ve experienced recently. This past weekend, seven people were killed in six hours in Birmingham. One of them was a mother and child. She was 28, and he was five. I struggle with holding all the grief sometimes—one, because we have the privilege to ignore it; two, because the violence feels very close and near to me.
Marc, I know and I'm thinking of you all every day. The grief is a hard thing to wade through - it's like living underwater. I hadn't heard of the killings in Birmingham and now I'm horrified. And I feel bad as well that I hadn't heard of them, that I'm asking people to pay attention to other suffering when I myself am not paying attention to it elsewhere.
Hi Noha. I too jumped to the wrong assumption, because you are a woman displaying a bruised face, nothing to do with you being a hijabi.
Incidentally hijabi is not a word I'd come across before reading your writing.
I'm committed to bearing witness to the genocide in Gaza, at times words escape me.
I read elsewhere yesterday that not only babies get killed in Gaza. Humanity died there too.
The West must surely be finished after permitting these atrocities daily, for 283 days, and still counting.
While the world tires of conflict in Gaza, and never ending wars, and gets distracted by local events, Palestinians in the West Bank are suffering and we hear nothing of it.
May 21st, 2 IOF snipers killed 6 innocent civilians in one hour on a quiet morning in Jenin.
Such events are not reported in the West.
The different treatment of the bombing of a hospital in Ukraine with the destruction of an entire health system in Gaza says a lot about the value of Palestinian lives.
When Ukraine fired rockets into Russia last week, killing children on the beach at Sevastopol. Was that tragedy even reported in the West?
The fact that all these statistics are human beings is lost once we are told it's a war, and for the past 70 odd years, the USA has been the sole arbiter on what is a just war.
Yes - it's the intersectionality of it all - one, as a woman, the assumption of violence would likely be there, and two, some people would come to that assumption specifically due to my hijab... I did wonder how many would think of it because I'm a woman vs. because I'm a hijabi woman, more from a morbid sense of curiosity than from any other reason. I think that, being a member of a marginalized group, I pay special attention to the stereotypes peddled about us that maybe others don't even notice. I was discussing this piece and the fact I was grappling with even publishing it with my friend Marc, a Black man, and he wasn't aware of the stereotype of Muslim women being beaten by their husbands, which was an interesting realization for me.
Hijabi is one of those words that I think we (Muslim women) made up for ourselves. It sounds so much more playful and roles off the tongue better than "hijab-wearing". It's slowly making its way into the common vernacular, but you're right that it's probably not all the way there yet.
Gaza and the West Bank - what to say... I agree with you that the words don't feel like enough... 283 days is more than enough and I wish they'd tire of it, but I think the opposite is happening. As more and more people become apathetic, or move on to other news, or feel hopeless, it becomes easier for them to continue killing without as much pushback. It becomes (and I shudder to use this word) normal for this to be the reality. I think of Aaron Bushnell before he self-imolated. "This is what our ruling class has decided will be normal." It's mind-boggling.
Gaza is beyond horrific, and yet, with all eyes on Gaza, and even that fading, the atrocities in the West Bank can be undertaken with no attention or focus on them. My friend's family is in the West Bank and every time I see her I hear another horrific story. it's a deluge of horrific stories. And yet it continues unabated.
I don't remember hearing about Sevastopol. Another tragedy. So much devaluing of so many human lives.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Noha. I can relate to your anxieties. My ex-boyfriend was (is!) a Black man and though he never would have laid a hand on me, I was hyper aware of how people perceived him and what they assumed about our relationship. One of the tropes I can't stand in our culture is the "Black male perpetrator, white woman victim" stereotype. As a white blonde woman, I do my best to challenge that trope when I can.
For what it's worth, I, too, don't think I would assume domestic violence for a Hijabi woman any more than for any woman with a bruise.
Re: Gaza, my heart is breaking right along with yours. I've actually felt unable to write about much of anything while this is unfolding and am grieving the way some of my friendships have fractured or splintered over differing views and diverging empathy. I appreciate you sharing these reminders. It does feel more and more like the world is looking away.
Alicia, that's exactly it! I think we each challenge it in our own way... I appreciate that my "hijabiness" wouldn't have made you think it was DV any more than any other woman... It's been a strange comfort to find that as the overwhelming response to this piece. I would be assumed as a victim of DV, not because of my hijab, but because of my being a woman. It's less painful somehow...
I'm so sorry about how it's all affected your friendships - I want to say that if you need somewhere to turn, there is a whole community of people of different faiths and ethnicities (Jews and Muslims and Christians and Hindus and Buddhists and Atheists) who want all humanity recognized, who want it said that calling out the suffering of Palestinians doesn't make one anti-Semitic, and we're very friendly. It's a big tent. You can come hang out here anytime you want. I know it doesn't make the friendships you've lost hurt any less, but hopefully it can help you feel less lonely. My DM's are here for you if you want to chat. Much love.
Thank you so much for offering up your DMs. Be careful what you wish for! I've been working on a piece and will probably need the comfort of like-minded writers when it's up. I do follow some wonderful activists on TikTok and think that app has gotten a bad rap. Their content often helps me feel sane when I start second-guessing my own convictions.
Noha, this is deeply moving and thoughtful. I wouldn’t automatically assume abuse seeing a Muslim woman if bruises, nor any other woman, but then again, I haven’t seen that many! I would wonder what happened, assume some kind of accident as a first thought.
I don’t recall seeing any women with hijab’s biking and only one woman swimming. But I see a lot of the walking. Most times with their families.
As for both wars I am afraid I have had to limit my exposure—both in Ukraine and Gaza. It’s not that I have lost interest but my heart can only bare so much grief. I am also very angry at both Hamas and Israel leaders and feel they have all sacrificed innocent lives to prove points that seem pointless in the face of all the death of children.
Thanks Kim... It's been so interesting to see everyone's different perspectives here. I think I assumed a lot more that people would assume abuse based on my identity as a Muslim Arab and that hasn't been the case, which is a relief!
I understand your point about your heart and the grief. It is truly awful. I am not a fan of Hamas and I in no way defend them. I only want to say that there is an enormous power imbalance between the two sides, and that Israel has been occupying Gaza and the West Bank long before Hamas existed... Brene Brown did an interesting interview with a Senior Fellow at the Middle East Institute that delves into this if you're interested in more context on the history and how things got to where they are. https://link.chtbl.com/unlockingus
The piece is a bit further down the page with this title: "Khaled Elgindy on his book: Blind Spot: America and the Palestinians, from Balfour to Trump"
Interestingly my first thought was you were attacked by a white person in a religious hate attack. I’m more and more concerned and afraid of the actions of my own people.
My aunt who is 60 has recently got the chance to get her eyelids lifted for free. She has always been a woman who cares about her appearance, not only beautiful but visibly well maintained, so she jumped at the chance. The operation went amazingly but left her with extensive bruising around the eyes for more than a month.
She stayed indoors as long as possible but eventually had to go out and face the world, we laughed at the shared realization that every person she encounters is going to think her husband gave her the two black eyes. (She has been divorced for over two decades now). She went to a restaurant with a male friend and said the waitresses were looking at her with such concern she was expecting to get a secret note saying ‘signal if you need help.’
We’re from Serbia, a white Christian country that still has little protection for women from domestic violence, and I think seeing an injured woman many people would assume her partner may have done the damage. Honestly in any culture or race if I saw a woman with a bruised face I would want to make sure she’s not a victim of DV. I don’t think it’s a religious or cultural question, men are violent to women and most societies seem to not protect us well.
I keep thinking about the people in Gaza. I don’t know what thoughts to think anymore but I will not stop thinking about them. My thoughts keep turning to my own white people, the Western world I am now a part of, and the apathy in the face of unspeakable horror that looks like something from a dystopian science fiction movie. I don’t know what next, but I know it can’t be this.
Lidija, thank you for sharing all of this. The overwhelming response I've gotten is that regardless of culture, any woman with an injury would lead people to think that there's been DV. And isn't that so awful? And also, isn't it awful that I'm strangely relieved that I'm not being further profiled for being Muslim in this case? I'm going to have to think on it...
You're right about the apathy. it is so unfathomable to me, and yet every day I wake up to more of it. I keep thinking that the next image, the next video, the next awful thing will be enough to garner action, but it's not. And I can only conclude that it's because non-white lives aren't considered as valuable to the Western world. And this breaks my heart.
It truly is awful. For what it's worth, I have been expanding my social media circle to include people from many different cultures and I have found a surprising softness and gentleness in Muslim men specifically, in videos that aren't meant to be about their character at all - rescuing a dog and adopting him as his son, wearing the same outfit as his cat, sharing humor that is clearly soft and good natured, and from Gaza specifically there are so many videos showing men, young and old, with incredible kindness, and strength, and fortitude - the rescue teams staying calm in spite of everything, always with soothing words for those buried under rubble even as they dig with their hands to get them out - 'you're ok, we're coming, we will get you out' - it brings such waves of emotion to see it. What they must be going through inside yet keeping that calm soft strength because that's what is needed. Young men and boys joking around about the most difficult things, making jokes at their own expense, again, the kindness and softness is visible. It is such a stark contrast to the side that supports the violence and seems so full of disdain and mockery and lack of any real emotion.
I am past thinking some shocking thing will change things at this stage. Everything has already happened. What could be more shocking than what we have already seen. (Though I hate to say this because I have thought it multiple times but then a worse thing comes). I think a lot of people willfully refuse to look so they cannot be shocked anyway. A few people I know have openly said 'oh I cannot look it is too much for me so I do not know anything'. If you take that stance, it's easy to say 'oh it's just another conflict, there are always conflicts somewhere, it has nothing to do with me'. I think social movements are forming though, many people are revolted, and moved to action, but these actions are slow and complex, none of us know what to do directly to make a change. We are like tiny atoms crashing into a locomotive hoping we will make it move. I think eventually we will but it will be long and painful and filled with more death. I wish I had more positive words for you. I am so sorry for everything that is happening. Not just to Palestine. For decades and decades now the Muslim world has been the target of different sorts of Western violence. And there are no clear mechanisms to get it to stop. The best chance we have is this - getting more and more people to realize it's wrong.
Lidija, I found myself nodding along with this entire message. Your words have brought me so much comfort in making me feel seen. I know the change will be so slow, but honestly, finally being seen as real human-beings by at least some of the population is a huge change.
What you're saying about Muslim men, and specifically the men of Gaza, rings so so true to me. Watching the men there do what they're doing, hungry, tired, injured, literally digging children out from the rubble with their bare hands, no electricity, no machines, in flip flops, in the heat... It's so crazy to think about.
On a lighter note, I saw this hilarious reel on social media (I wish I'd saved it because I desperately want to share it) that said, if we're spreading stereotypes about Arab men, let's spread the actual stereotypes: they have tea parties, they love cats, they hold hands with their friends, etc.
The men in my life are soft and sweet. My father cries when he reads about the Prophet Muhammad AND when he watches someone will gold at the Olympics. My husband loves musicals and photography. My uncle makes his own homemade olive focaccia. My father in law cleans and cooks most of the meals in his house, including the most elaborate breakfasts for all of us when we visit.
I think I need to write a post about Arab men stereotypes... Stay tuned lol...
I'm feeling a lot better. My jaw is the part that's still giving me trouble, and my right hand still hurts, but in the grand scheme of things I'm most of the way healed, thank God.
I read the first few sentences with dread, assuming you'd been a victim of an anti-Islamic attack. Weirdly relieved it was "just" a bike accident.
.y bubble is very concerned and angry about the ongoing death and destruction of Gaza and Palestinians. I am also concerned that many pro-Palestinian activists have let their anti-Semitism flag fly and think Hamas is a liberatory movement. I want life and dignity for everyone. The current Israeli government is horrible. But there are many Israelis demonstrating for a ceasefire and for peace.
Jodi, I hadn't even considered that people would think of an Islamophobic attack but you're not the first to point that out. And it's funny (not haha funny but you know what I mean) because I've been threatened before, multiple times, and people I know have been subjected to hate crimes. I wonder what it says about me that I worried more about people thinking I was a victim of a stereotype about Muslim women than thinking they might think of the real threat of hate crimes? That's interesting and I'm gonna have to think on that.
The killing in Gaza and the active destruction of the whole society is unconscionable. It is truly awful that anyone is exhibiting anti-Semitism, I totally agree with you there. I take great comfort in Israelis participating in things like the Standing Together Movement and speaking out against their government, as well as the Israelis who are actively going into the West Bank to act as human protection for Palestinians who are targeted by violent Israeli settlers. The violence in the West Bank is worse than it's ever been while people focus on Gaza, and it's unchecked, and in fact abetted by the IDF, which horrifies me. Life and dignity for everyone is the only way. Not to get into the details, but to me, this can only mean a one state solution where everyone is equal before the law, with the same rights of movement, citizenship, etc. I may be dreaming, but I hope it happens one day.
"Do we still have room in our hearts for this? Are we too tired to hear and read about it? Do we all just want it to go away?" We need these reminders, Noha. Thank you.
I think I can honestly say I am no more likely to think a woman wearing a hijabi has been hurt by a spouse than I would any other woman. But I confess when I see a bruised woman of any nationality/ethnicity that is one of my first thoughts.
Glad you are okay. I just had my own accident and know how fast something like that can happen and how scary it can be.
It's so interesting to me - I've gotten a few responses saying the same thing and I guess I'm relieved that there isn't an added assumption of violence based on ethnicity/religious affiliation, despite the fact that Muslim/Arab women are so often presented in the media as oppressed and Muslim/Arab men are so often presented in the media as violent/oppressive. Maybe the constant stereotyping isn't working as well as I was afraid it would (lol!).
I'm sorry you had an accident! are you ok? Were you cycling?
Well, I'm sure there are abused Muslim women. But I'm pretty sure there are the exact same number of Jewish, Christian, and atheistic abused women. Honestly, given my (somewhat) limited experience of Islam, I'd think there might be less abuse, which isn't to say there aren't problems with Islam. But again, there are problems with every single religious, ethnic, and cultural group worldwide. Because they're all made of the same thing -- very fallible human beings.
Yes, exactly this!
I remember in high school, there was suddenly this fascination with "honour killings" - which are of course awful! So some awful man would kill his wife or his daughter, and because he was Arab/Muslim it would be described as an honour killing in the paper and used to smear the whole community. But statistically speaking, there was as much or more domestic violence happening in other communities, but it wasn't being splashed all over the front page of a tabloid paper in the city.
There's a researcher named Dalia Mogahed - a Muslim American, who started an institute called ISPU I think, in the US, and she actually does demographic research on the American Muslim community so that she can provide valid statistics on what the community is actually like, rather than anecdotes being turned into this whole narrative. And statistically, Muslims are more likely to donate to charity and do community work - ha!
I'm always like "where are our headings for this stuff?" we don't want to propped up or lionized but it is exhausting being regularly demonized.
I am so sickened by the violence against babies, children, women, men, and humans of all persuasions. We have lost ourselves. As for a bruised woman, either in a hijab or not, I have to admit that my first thought is, 'What man?' Because it is men who perpetrate the violence in almost every case. We have failed as a society (Western, Eastern, everywhere) to educate men on the ways of civilization: respect and care for others, talking, not shooting, protection, not exploitation, and love, not hate. Our politicians are seduced by power to the extent that they embrace the one who promises it despite everything from minor misgivings to outright horror at the moral morass he embodies. I'm sorry to go off but, your story is multi-fold, and it lives in a world that presents itself as self-destructing. I hardly know where to spend my tears or at what to fling my words. There is so much pain and the inevitability of much, much more should we continue to ignore the path we are on and hope for respite without the work needed to change. First, we must educate our sons on ways of peace. Then, we must not judge before we know. Finally, we must act in whatever way we can to be the future we hope to live. Meanwhile, I hope you and all the daughters keep riding bikes, but please do not fall and bruise yourself again.
Don't be sorry, Dawn. You're welcome to go off anytime you want to, here. It's so interesting to me that now at least two of you assumed violence but it had more to do with my being a woman than my being hijabi. I know that I noticed the "oppressed Muslim woman" trope more than others, but I think it's true that there's just so much violence towards women in general. I am protective of my Arab or Muslim brothers and the men of marginalized identity who are assumed to be violent... My husband and my dad are two of the softest, most gentle men I know, but they're tall and Arab looking and I know that as a result, they and others who look like them are dehumanized...
Re the need to educate our sons in the way of peace, I couldn't agree more. My husband spends so much time with the boys re-iterating the importance of peace, the necessity of avoiding violence. They're gentle and I'm glad. I want them to always be gentle.
I'm hoping to get back on the bike in a couple of weeks. I just need the strength in my grip to come back, and the pain in my neck and face to go...
Just one more thing. One of the gentlest men I ever knew was my dear friend Glenn. He was 6'7" tall, a big black man with Umpqua heritage mixed in. I adored him. We'd have the greatest 'kitchen talks' while the rest of the party went on around us. His wife is still one of my best friends. He told me once that he'd consciously cross the road when he noticed fear on people's faces, especially women headed in his direction. He had no desire to frighten anyone. But this saddened him greatly. He didn't actively identify the fear as being about his color, but about his size. Yet, it certainly was about that as well. I miss him so much. There was no one like him.
Dawn, your comment about your friend Glenn reminded me of my son. He’s 6’9 and 31 years old. He too is a gentle giant, but his size intimidates people who don’t know him. He started losing his hair and getting a massive widows peak. He would keep what hair he had long and wear a hat all the time. Finally, I told him it was time to shave his head. He had avoided it because he didn’t want people to be even more afraid of him—a big white dude with a shaved head. Sure enough the day he shaved it he was standing in a line and said “excuse me” to a woman in front of him. She turned around and jumped saying how scary he looked. Then they started talking, but his worst fear came true right off the bat.
Oh, this makes me so sad for him! I'm glad they started talking. Talking is the only way forward to get to know one another. My grandson went bald by the time he was nineteen. He has a full, very black beard and a shiny bald head, which he keeps shaved. You can imagine the looks he gets. Luckily, he's kind of oblivious to it, and he laughs a lot. I wish we had welcome in our hearts for all kinds of difference. All our lives would be so much richer.
Oh Dawn, thank you for sharing that. It breaks my heart... I'm so sorry you don't have Glenn anymore...
I remember maybe 10 years ago, as I started to read more about unconscious bias, I started questioning myself, and realizing that I would become reflexively uneasy if I was walking alone at night and found a Black man nearby. As soon as I realized I was doing it, I was horrified with myself and started to actively question myself when it would happen. This active questioning and investigation led to the feelings of fear dissipating until they were gone. We are taught to fear and then that fear is used to dehumanize.
If wishes have power, it's my wish that you be pain-free. All the best, Dawn
Noha, you're right. I made the assumption of physical abuse when you first described your face, and I'm so glad that wasn't the case.
For the record, I've had injuries to my face, and when I explained them, some people didn't believe me, assuming that they were the result of domestic abuse.
You made your point in a very powerful way.
Take care, and I hope you heal quickly.
Diana, I really appreciate you sharing your first thoughts, and your story. I was so torn up about what people would think, both as a woman and as a visibly Muslim woman.
I started worrying about my husband, and whether anyone would think he was violent. Then I worried that I was spending more time worrying about that then about the actual injuries. Most of the bruising on my face is faded now - what's left is on my chin, and since I'm short, no one can see it unless I tip my face upward. But those first few days, I wanted to stop strangers on the street and say, "this is a bike injury"...
Powerful writing and reflections here, Noha. I’m not sure how to pick one thing to chime in on, so I’ll just say the examination of your inner life (and willingness to share it with us) is far from vanity. That inner knowing of self helps unlock potential in me to also evolve, to be more humane, to consider a wider scope of all experiences. 🧡
Thanks Amanda... That's generous of you - I really struggled with this one and almost didn't share it. One of my hopes with this newsletter is to open the door to that wider scope of experiences, so it's a huge comfort to know that it's getting through...
Thank you for including the info on attacks in Gaza. The news is very biased here. There is no justification for killing that many people.
Glad you're healing from your bike accident!
Oh Mary, it makes me feel just a little more human to know someone else is still thinking about them. It's so awful and it's so upsetting how little people seem to care. Our apathy is kicking in and the news cycle is moving on just as things are getting worse.
I'm definitely healing up but it's gonna be a while before I'm back to normal. A lot of gumming up food in the roof of my mouth 😅😅
Noha, I hope your face will be fully healed very soon, and I most certainly hope you haven't lost any readers halfway through when they hit the "political bit they haven't signed up for..." After all, everything is politics. Our every step. It's time to stop shying away from that fact.
I think it's tremendously important for all of us who have any sort of platform, no matter how small or big, to weave Gaza AND systemic injustice and violence across the planet into our personal stories. We all have a duty to make these hard topics relatable to everyone. I get a lot of hate for inserting Palestine into everything I write, particularly on Instagram, but I'll be damned if the pushback stops me from using my voice in this manner and pointing out what concerns all of us.
As for domestic violence, it was my first thought, not because I assume Muslim men are likely to be wife beaters (though I'm well aware there are people who think that, ugh), but because my lived experience makes me instantly worried for any wounded woman. I was born into domestic violence - so sadly, I'm painfully aware just how common it is. And also how hidden and erased it is because it's inconvenient for people and their myth of progress. I'm just glad that DV wasn't the case here ❤️
Ramona, this entire response makes me feel so seen and so understood. Thank you! Seriously, I have goosebumps. Yes to everything being political. Yes to the need to insert Gaza AND systemic injustice and violence into everything. Yes to using whatever voice and platform we have.
I'm so sorry you were born into domestic violence, and a lot of the other comments here have given me pause on my initial assumption - I think perhaps it may be better for people to worry, and so to be available to help, than not.
Thank you, and so much love to you.
Thank you. People are definitely more open to help and stand up for victims of DV nowadays than they were back in the 90s when it all started for my mother. It's a good thing, but we would be lying to ourselves if we didn't admit that things are still far from ideal and there are still victims of DV everywhere who are silenced and shunned. Likewise, that there are horrendous prejudices based on religion, skin colour, gender etc, and that they're taking roots right now.
One thing I'm sure of - the people ready to assume a Muslim is abusing his wife because he's Muslim are the same people who would turn a blind eye to a woman in their own circle being abused when it's an inconvenience to their vision of a "good guy." They would pick their brother over believing brother's wife who is covered in bruises. They're the same people closing their eyes to Gaza, Sudan, Congo, the same people making apologies for colonialism. Violence and its defense are systemic and mirrored throughout the society.
" the people ready to assume a Muslim is abusing his wife because he's Muslim are the same people who would turn a blind eye to a woman in their own circle being abused when it's an inconvenience to their vision of a "good guy.""
Exactly exactly exactly...
We are so far from actual support. It's the same as how the All Lives Matter crowd doesn't want to do anything about homelessness, about addiction, about poverty.
As a Muslim girl who openly wears hijab, these are some of my thoughts as well. It’s painful to think like this. I don’t want to.
Me neither Afra... It helps me to read the other comments and find that fewer people than I expected would have made the association based on hijab...
Yeah… I used to think that something is wrong with me. I thought that this isn’t how I should think. But then I realized that I think this way because I’ve been taught to think this way.
Oh habibty...
The stories I have about social studies teachers who insisted again and again that we were oppressed. The number of times people told me "Oh but that's because your Canadian," when I pointed to my strong willed mother and my soft spoken father. It's hard not to expect it when that's what you've been fed. Maybe it's getting better.
hi. like others in the comments, i jumped to a conclusion of physical violence -- though, from a perspective on the other side. being a muslim myself, i initially thought that it came from an islamophobic attack, and i sighed of relief when i realised that wasn't the case. i find that interesting in relation to this post and the comments. thank you for sharing this, i'm glad you're okay. i pray the injury heals soon, Ameen. ♡
This IS interesting. I was waiting for another Muslim to see what your guess would be and I think it fits that you'd expect an Islamophobic attack. Alhamdulillah, I'm healing pretty well. Not back to normal yet but a lot closer than I thought I would be at this stage.
I love how, despite what’s going on, your work is a reminder to every reader that we cannot go on with business as usual. I pay attention that much more because I feel connected to you. Lately, I’ve been struggling. You know the loss we’ve experienced recently. This past weekend, seven people were killed in six hours in Birmingham. One of them was a mother and child. She was 28, and he was five. I struggle with holding all the grief sometimes—one, because we have the privilege to ignore it; two, because the violence feels very close and near to me.
Marc, I know and I'm thinking of you all every day. The grief is a hard thing to wade through - it's like living underwater. I hadn't heard of the killings in Birmingham and now I'm horrified. And I feel bad as well that I hadn't heard of them, that I'm asking people to pay attention to other suffering when I myself am not paying attention to it elsewhere.
Hi Noha. I too jumped to the wrong assumption, because you are a woman displaying a bruised face, nothing to do with you being a hijabi.
Incidentally hijabi is not a word I'd come across before reading your writing.
I'm committed to bearing witness to the genocide in Gaza, at times words escape me.
I read elsewhere yesterday that not only babies get killed in Gaza. Humanity died there too.
The West must surely be finished after permitting these atrocities daily, for 283 days, and still counting.
While the world tires of conflict in Gaza, and never ending wars, and gets distracted by local events, Palestinians in the West Bank are suffering and we hear nothing of it.
May 21st, 2 IOF snipers killed 6 innocent civilians in one hour on a quiet morning in Jenin.
Such events are not reported in the West.
The different treatment of the bombing of a hospital in Ukraine with the destruction of an entire health system in Gaza says a lot about the value of Palestinian lives.
When Ukraine fired rockets into Russia last week, killing children on the beach at Sevastopol. Was that tragedy even reported in the West?
The fact that all these statistics are human beings is lost once we are told it's a war, and for the past 70 odd years, the USA has been the sole arbiter on what is a just war.
Hi Ted,
Yes - it's the intersectionality of it all - one, as a woman, the assumption of violence would likely be there, and two, some people would come to that assumption specifically due to my hijab... I did wonder how many would think of it because I'm a woman vs. because I'm a hijabi woman, more from a morbid sense of curiosity than from any other reason. I think that, being a member of a marginalized group, I pay special attention to the stereotypes peddled about us that maybe others don't even notice. I was discussing this piece and the fact I was grappling with even publishing it with my friend Marc, a Black man, and he wasn't aware of the stereotype of Muslim women being beaten by their husbands, which was an interesting realization for me.
Hijabi is one of those words that I think we (Muslim women) made up for ourselves. It sounds so much more playful and roles off the tongue better than "hijab-wearing". It's slowly making its way into the common vernacular, but you're right that it's probably not all the way there yet.
Gaza and the West Bank - what to say... I agree with you that the words don't feel like enough... 283 days is more than enough and I wish they'd tire of it, but I think the opposite is happening. As more and more people become apathetic, or move on to other news, or feel hopeless, it becomes easier for them to continue killing without as much pushback. It becomes (and I shudder to use this word) normal for this to be the reality. I think of Aaron Bushnell before he self-imolated. "This is what our ruling class has decided will be normal." It's mind-boggling.
Gaza is beyond horrific, and yet, with all eyes on Gaza, and even that fading, the atrocities in the West Bank can be undertaken with no attention or focus on them. My friend's family is in the West Bank and every time I see her I hear another horrific story. it's a deluge of horrific stories. And yet it continues unabated.
I don't remember hearing about Sevastopol. Another tragedy. So much devaluing of so many human lives.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Noha. I can relate to your anxieties. My ex-boyfriend was (is!) a Black man and though he never would have laid a hand on me, I was hyper aware of how people perceived him and what they assumed about our relationship. One of the tropes I can't stand in our culture is the "Black male perpetrator, white woman victim" stereotype. As a white blonde woman, I do my best to challenge that trope when I can.
For what it's worth, I, too, don't think I would assume domestic violence for a Hijabi woman any more than for any woman with a bruise.
Re: Gaza, my heart is breaking right along with yours. I've actually felt unable to write about much of anything while this is unfolding and am grieving the way some of my friendships have fractured or splintered over differing views and diverging empathy. I appreciate you sharing these reminders. It does feel more and more like the world is looking away.
Alicia, that's exactly it! I think we each challenge it in our own way... I appreciate that my "hijabiness" wouldn't have made you think it was DV any more than any other woman... It's been a strange comfort to find that as the overwhelming response to this piece. I would be assumed as a victim of DV, not because of my hijab, but because of my being a woman. It's less painful somehow...
I'm so sorry about how it's all affected your friendships - I want to say that if you need somewhere to turn, there is a whole community of people of different faiths and ethnicities (Jews and Muslims and Christians and Hindus and Buddhists and Atheists) who want all humanity recognized, who want it said that calling out the suffering of Palestinians doesn't make one anti-Semitic, and we're very friendly. It's a big tent. You can come hang out here anytime you want. I know it doesn't make the friendships you've lost hurt any less, but hopefully it can help you feel less lonely. My DM's are here for you if you want to chat. Much love.
I think I get why that's less painful!
Thank you so much for offering up your DMs. Be careful what you wish for! I've been working on a piece and will probably need the comfort of like-minded writers when it's up. I do follow some wonderful activists on TikTok and think that app has gotten a bad rap. Their content often helps me feel sane when I start second-guessing my own convictions.
No regrets, lol! I’m here when you’re ready!
Noha, this is deeply moving and thoughtful. I wouldn’t automatically assume abuse seeing a Muslim woman if bruises, nor any other woman, but then again, I haven’t seen that many! I would wonder what happened, assume some kind of accident as a first thought.
I don’t recall seeing any women with hijab’s biking and only one woman swimming. But I see a lot of the walking. Most times with their families.
As for both wars I am afraid I have had to limit my exposure—both in Ukraine and Gaza. It’s not that I have lost interest but my heart can only bare so much grief. I am also very angry at both Hamas and Israel leaders and feel they have all sacrificed innocent lives to prove points that seem pointless in the face of all the death of children.
Thanks Kim... It's been so interesting to see everyone's different perspectives here. I think I assumed a lot more that people would assume abuse based on my identity as a Muslim Arab and that hasn't been the case, which is a relief!
I understand your point about your heart and the grief. It is truly awful. I am not a fan of Hamas and I in no way defend them. I only want to say that there is an enormous power imbalance between the two sides, and that Israel has been occupying Gaza and the West Bank long before Hamas existed... Brene Brown did an interesting interview with a Senior Fellow at the Middle East Institute that delves into this if you're interested in more context on the history and how things got to where they are. https://link.chtbl.com/unlockingus
The piece is a bit further down the page with this title: "Khaled Elgindy on his book: Blind Spot: America and the Palestinians, from Balfour to Trump"
Interestingly my first thought was you were attacked by a white person in a religious hate attack. I’m more and more concerned and afraid of the actions of my own people.
My aunt who is 60 has recently got the chance to get her eyelids lifted for free. She has always been a woman who cares about her appearance, not only beautiful but visibly well maintained, so she jumped at the chance. The operation went amazingly but left her with extensive bruising around the eyes for more than a month.
She stayed indoors as long as possible but eventually had to go out and face the world, we laughed at the shared realization that every person she encounters is going to think her husband gave her the two black eyes. (She has been divorced for over two decades now). She went to a restaurant with a male friend and said the waitresses were looking at her with such concern she was expecting to get a secret note saying ‘signal if you need help.’
We’re from Serbia, a white Christian country that still has little protection for women from domestic violence, and I think seeing an injured woman many people would assume her partner may have done the damage. Honestly in any culture or race if I saw a woman with a bruised face I would want to make sure she’s not a victim of DV. I don’t think it’s a religious or cultural question, men are violent to women and most societies seem to not protect us well.
I keep thinking about the people in Gaza. I don’t know what thoughts to think anymore but I will not stop thinking about them. My thoughts keep turning to my own white people, the Western world I am now a part of, and the apathy in the face of unspeakable horror that looks like something from a dystopian science fiction movie. I don’t know what next, but I know it can’t be this.
Lidija, thank you for sharing all of this. The overwhelming response I've gotten is that regardless of culture, any woman with an injury would lead people to think that there's been DV. And isn't that so awful? And also, isn't it awful that I'm strangely relieved that I'm not being further profiled for being Muslim in this case? I'm going to have to think on it...
You're right about the apathy. it is so unfathomable to me, and yet every day I wake up to more of it. I keep thinking that the next image, the next video, the next awful thing will be enough to garner action, but it's not. And I can only conclude that it's because non-white lives aren't considered as valuable to the Western world. And this breaks my heart.
It truly is awful. For what it's worth, I have been expanding my social media circle to include people from many different cultures and I have found a surprising softness and gentleness in Muslim men specifically, in videos that aren't meant to be about their character at all - rescuing a dog and adopting him as his son, wearing the same outfit as his cat, sharing humor that is clearly soft and good natured, and from Gaza specifically there are so many videos showing men, young and old, with incredible kindness, and strength, and fortitude - the rescue teams staying calm in spite of everything, always with soothing words for those buried under rubble even as they dig with their hands to get them out - 'you're ok, we're coming, we will get you out' - it brings such waves of emotion to see it. What they must be going through inside yet keeping that calm soft strength because that's what is needed. Young men and boys joking around about the most difficult things, making jokes at their own expense, again, the kindness and softness is visible. It is such a stark contrast to the side that supports the violence and seems so full of disdain and mockery and lack of any real emotion.
I am past thinking some shocking thing will change things at this stage. Everything has already happened. What could be more shocking than what we have already seen. (Though I hate to say this because I have thought it multiple times but then a worse thing comes). I think a lot of people willfully refuse to look so they cannot be shocked anyway. A few people I know have openly said 'oh I cannot look it is too much for me so I do not know anything'. If you take that stance, it's easy to say 'oh it's just another conflict, there are always conflicts somewhere, it has nothing to do with me'. I think social movements are forming though, many people are revolted, and moved to action, but these actions are slow and complex, none of us know what to do directly to make a change. We are like tiny atoms crashing into a locomotive hoping we will make it move. I think eventually we will but it will be long and painful and filled with more death. I wish I had more positive words for you. I am so sorry for everything that is happening. Not just to Palestine. For decades and decades now the Muslim world has been the target of different sorts of Western violence. And there are no clear mechanisms to get it to stop. The best chance we have is this - getting more and more people to realize it's wrong.
Lidija, I found myself nodding along with this entire message. Your words have brought me so much comfort in making me feel seen. I know the change will be so slow, but honestly, finally being seen as real human-beings by at least some of the population is a huge change.
What you're saying about Muslim men, and specifically the men of Gaza, rings so so true to me. Watching the men there do what they're doing, hungry, tired, injured, literally digging children out from the rubble with their bare hands, no electricity, no machines, in flip flops, in the heat... It's so crazy to think about.
On a lighter note, I saw this hilarious reel on social media (I wish I'd saved it because I desperately want to share it) that said, if we're spreading stereotypes about Arab men, let's spread the actual stereotypes: they have tea parties, they love cats, they hold hands with their friends, etc.
The men in my life are soft and sweet. My father cries when he reads about the Prophet Muhammad AND when he watches someone will gold at the Olympics. My husband loves musicals and photography. My uncle makes his own homemade olive focaccia. My father in law cleans and cooks most of the meals in his house, including the most elaborate breakfasts for all of us when we visit.
I think I need to write a post about Arab men stereotypes... Stay tuned lol...
I saw that video too and it was adorable 🥰 They also have an amazing sense of humor. I definitely want to read your take on Muslim men stereotypes ⭐️
I’m glad it wasn’t worse and sending speedy recovery thoughts. ❤️🩹 PS your dad. Your descriptions of him warm my heart.
I'm feeling a lot better. My jaw is the part that's still giving me trouble, and my right hand still hurts, but in the grand scheme of things I'm most of the way healed, thank God.
My Baba is the sweetest. thank you 🥰🥰🥰
I read the first few sentences with dread, assuming you'd been a victim of an anti-Islamic attack. Weirdly relieved it was "just" a bike accident.
.y bubble is very concerned and angry about the ongoing death and destruction of Gaza and Palestinians. I am also concerned that many pro-Palestinian activists have let their anti-Semitism flag fly and think Hamas is a liberatory movement. I want life and dignity for everyone. The current Israeli government is horrible. But there are many Israelis demonstrating for a ceasefire and for peace.
Jodi, I hadn't even considered that people would think of an Islamophobic attack but you're not the first to point that out. And it's funny (not haha funny but you know what I mean) because I've been threatened before, multiple times, and people I know have been subjected to hate crimes. I wonder what it says about me that I worried more about people thinking I was a victim of a stereotype about Muslim women than thinking they might think of the real threat of hate crimes? That's interesting and I'm gonna have to think on that.
The killing in Gaza and the active destruction of the whole society is unconscionable. It is truly awful that anyone is exhibiting anti-Semitism, I totally agree with you there. I take great comfort in Israelis participating in things like the Standing Together Movement and speaking out against their government, as well as the Israelis who are actively going into the West Bank to act as human protection for Palestinians who are targeted by violent Israeli settlers. The violence in the West Bank is worse than it's ever been while people focus on Gaza, and it's unchecked, and in fact abetted by the IDF, which horrifies me. Life and dignity for everyone is the only way. Not to get into the details, but to me, this can only mean a one state solution where everyone is equal before the law, with the same rights of movement, citizenship, etc. I may be dreaming, but I hope it happens one day.
This was my first thought too, glad it wasn’t right.
"Do we still have room in our hearts for this? Are we too tired to hear and read about it? Do we all just want it to go away?" We need these reminders, Noha. Thank you.
Thanks, Joshua. I can be counted on for reminders 😂