Appreciate this take. I feel like I’m saying the same thing every week about us being similar. I’m in Birmingham, AL now, and largely get asked this question by people who look like me. It’s interesting because I was born and raise here. When I tell them this, but add my family is Haitian they snap their fingers and say, “I knew you weren’t from here.” I’m confused because one I was born here, and two I haven’t visited Haiti since I was 2. While I know at times it’s a question about invitation, no matter who’s asking it makes me feel like I belong elsewhere. And maybe that’s more about me, and less about them. As always, friend, each week the story telling is just great. The bit about the deli took me right to Brooklyn.
I cried watching/listening to Marc's letter to his son. I nodded to everything you wrote in this piece, Noha. WHERE ARE YOU REAAALLLY FROM!? would annoy the crap out of me every.single.time. This youtube video is gold, I want to hug it, it's so good.
But the important thing to take away is, what if we look at it under a new lens? What if we approach it likes Marc did? What if we ask the questions you did, Noha? No matter the tone or the attitude, what if we answer it with full meaning, full expression, and with the idea that we want to tell them fully who we are, not just a label they already told themselves in their head before even asking you?
Hahaahaaaaa - come eavesdrop any time, my friend. I was so glad to meet you and get to know your open heart. There will be more future knowings, I hope.
"While I know at times it’s a question about invitation, no matter who’s asking it makes me feel like I belong elsewhere." I fully understand this and appreciate it. I think it still has the potential to be othering, especially because we have been othered so many times.
"I knew you weren't from here" is an incredibly frustrating thing to hear. I assume the people saying it are 6 or 7 generations of family in the same place, but that is a privilege and a luxury that doesn't exist for everyone, and there is beauty in exploring, so it implies a "better-ness" for the group that is "from here".
I haven't seen the video you're linking to. Really looking forward to it.
Thank you for the food for thought. I often ask people where they are from if I detect an accent. I also often say I’m glad they are here in this country of peace, like the young Ukrainian woman I spoke to at the lost and found at the airport. My questions come from my heart and genuine interest. I am a second generation Canadian whose parents came here as refugees. They were called displaced people at that time by the UN. Thank you for helping me understand your perspective.
Thank you for sharing that Alice. I think telling them that you're grateful they're here is a great addition, and can help quell the anxiety some of us get from being asked.
I'm curious: How do you answer the question, "where are you from?" If you're ever asked it?
Thank you for this post, and shout out to @Marc Typo for lighting the literary fir for this piece. I loved it! My favorite part is the quote,
"Perhaps Where are you from can be the question that takes us from an assumption of a default culture, a default worldview, to the recognition that we live in a world with so many ways of being, believing and seeing. Perhaps it can be the question that helps us to learn more about the ones about which we are mostly ignorant."
One of my goals for 2024 is to "lean in to curiosity" in order to be curious, you must be earnest and open, being curious with others requires trust and a willingness to share. Thank you for sharing!
Another great post. I heard this question a lot growing up and as a military brat I never knew exactly how to answer it. Did they mean - where was I born? Where did I grow up? Where (geographically) is my family from? From where (ethnically) does my blood originate? I still don't know my answers, but I've taken to saying "I grew up everywhere". In this international Internet-soaked day and age, maybe it's not so much of a cop out as I used to feel it used to be. Thanks for the post and the opportunity to think about my own origins!
My goodness, you expose the various layers so well! And there are so many. You’re right that it seems more acceptable in our very global world now. I’ve heard the same from many army brats
I started a new job, working on a tribal reservation, and I've been perplexed by how many times I've been asked where I'm from as I meet new people here. Thinking about it in terms of "tell me some of your story" helps me understand better why this is the first question everyone asks, and I feel as though I've lost an opportunity in my awkward, confused responses.
Lorelai, that's so interesting. I think there's an added layer of importance of "where you're from" in a lot of Indigenous communities because have been decimated, and because there are a lot of what they call "pretendians" (unfortunately, white folks who masquerade as Indigenous for clout and fame and access to the few supports Indigenous people get in order to help lift them up out of the marginalization and injustice of having been colonized.).
This is how I understand it, anyway. And you now have an opportunity going forward for any new questions 🖤🖤🖤
Oh, yeah, I'm really glad I made the discovery that my mom saying she was 1/16th Indigenous was false BEFORE I started working here. XD Thank you, 23 and me.
I actually wrote a whole paid post about a similar question, "What brought you here?" which for a long time made me uncomfortable to answer. I've lived in Spokane for twelve years now, longer than I've lived anywhere, but for a long time after moving here people would ask me why I'd come. And the truth is, what led me here was my ex making a rash and fairly random decision. But I had moved all my life, and I was weary of moving, and had no strong roots elsewhere, so I stayed even after leaving him. Fought him to stay, actually, as he wanted to move our kids yet again to yet another state.
So maybe when people ask me "Where are you from," I could say, "Nowhere and everywhere. I've been like a tumbleweed most of my life. I'm glad to have grown roots here."
Yeah, unfortunately when I visited Ireland I was still suffering under the delusion that I was 1/4 Irish. 🫣 Though, being <10% Irish as opposed to the claimed 25% feels like less severe of a mess-up than being .02% Indigenous while claiming 3%.
This is a wonderful commentary on what can be a loaded question. I think it is a wonderful entry to learning about a person, about their history, their family, their culture. To connect. Yesterday, a hotelier with 3 properties in Florida was in our office. I could hear his accent as being either Vietnamese or maybe Chinese, but I opted to ask if he was from Vietnam. He was; of course we went completely off topic as we talked about his home (outside Saigon), the places I've visited in Vietnam, the food, places he suggested I visit when I get a chance to go again. When he, and his colleagues left the office I said "tom biet" - probably mispronounced, but it was what I remembered as good-bye in Vietnamese. If I hear US dialect, I will ask if the person is from the city I think the accent reminds me of, then we can joke about our sports teams. Some way, some how find a connection to help heal the world.
On the other hand, the question "Where are you from?" can be asked with a belligerent tone that can be threatening. And that's the rub. I think, I hope, the majority of people are asking from a real curiosity and attempt to connect, but I'm not sure that's the case.
I will say, on a lighthearted not, if I were to meet you and hear your Canadian accent, as a Chicagoan I would be obligated to talk smack about your baseball teams and if my Blackhawks are doing well, I would talk smack about your hockey teams.
Judith I love this! I think, as you said, the key is finding real connection and being clear in the intent for such a loaded question. I hope the same thing, but I haven't always been on the receiving end of it that way.
I love that you say baseball TEAMS (plural) lol because we have ONE whole team 😂😂😂😂 - I think there might have been another team once upon a time, or I'm getting mixed up with Basketball and the shortlived Vancouver Grizzlies.
I was once a pretty hardcore hockey fan, and loved the Blackhawks, but I've paid very little attention to hockey since my Montreal Canadiens went to the finals during the second year of the pandemic before being eliminated. When Carey Price retired the team was just unrecognizable. Maybe I'll check back in when they finish rebuilding. Who knows.
I would suspect that after 9/11 anyone asking you where are you from was threatening. Here, in Chicago, our synagogues helped any mosques or Islamic centers when vandalism happened. And it did. My last name often begs the question, but for me it’s more about checking my religion. Can be equally threatening. My personal hopes are not based in my sense of reality. That said, in my professional life, I firmly believe that travel can be a great source of connection and bridge to peace.
I so loved reading this, and it brought to mind the many interactions I've had over the past decade. I am South African, and am based between SA and Indonesia. In Indonesia every time I meet someone new (however fleeting), I am usually asked 'where are you from?'. I understand Noha that this context is different from you've written about, but here's what I've found fascinating: once I've told the person where I'm from I often ask 'are you from here?' – and their response is often a different area or island entirely. When I then follow with something like 'I've heard it's beautiful there', or 'people say the food is delicious in your city', the person will very often reply with 'oh but I've never been there. I was born here'. I love hearing about the depth to which peoples' roots run, and also how those shape their understanding of and connection to place.
Narina, I so love this! I think you've touched on the difference that the "Where are you from?" question invokes depending on whether colonialism/migration is a big factor or not.
And the fact that they answer that they're "from" somewhere without ever having been there. I can relate to that. And I think my kids can relate to that too. They've never been to Egypt but that is where we're "from" as a family.
I'm currently studying at a very international place, and in the first few weeks after I came here and started meeting new people, most of the conversations started with (or at least included) the question "Where are you from?" It was as common as "What's your name?", just another question asked with the purpose to learn more about someone. I guess there was, in fact, an assumption that someone is not from here, but again, so many of us weren't that it became a natural thing to ask. Right now, I can't even imagine being close with someone, sitting at the same desk or table in the canteen with someone, let alone being friends with them, without knowing where they're from, because knowing it is just as basic as knowing their name, birthday, etc. Like you said, it's a part of what makes you, you.
Diana, that sounds like a wonderful environment, and such a great chance to really get to know others. I think it's ok to make that assumption when the environment is so international, as you say.
I very much enjoyed this read, especially because I love interacting with people as we travel the world.
As an American mostly living overseas and constantly traveling, I get asked this all of the time.
Of course, that's a very different thing from being an immigrant living in a new country and being quizzed on whether you "belong" or not.
I confess that I pretty carefully assess how my question might come across before asking. The last thing I want is to make someone else uncomforable. But if they seem open to it or if I can find a way to communicate the question comes from genuine curiosity and not some ill intent, I ask away. And more often than not I end up having wonderful conversations!
Michael thank you so much for the comment. I appreciate your take and I think you’ve hit on just the right balance of curiosity and the recognition that it can still be othering for immigrants. I think assessing it based on how game the other person is is perfect. I’m happy to be asked now but it took so many years to get there. The conversations are always enlightening though.
I find if you chat long enough about other things, you'll finally hit that serendiptous moment where the question can be asked in one way or another. And then you're off and running!
I really liked this piece and your perspective on this question. I like your optimism at people's positive intent when asking it. I think it's enriching to assume curiosity, in order to share more about a possibly unknown culture for the asker.
Thanks, Monica! Some of that may come from having never experienced life as a member of the majority. I remember hearing from multiple friends who were new immigrants, freshly arrived in Canada, and they found the curious looks so bothersome and offensive at first. I guess they never bothered me because I had never NOT had them. I am pretty adept at telling the difference between curiosity and hostility too.
These stories make me so happy! (Caucasian living in Canada; no one asks me this Q).
Years ago in my family's village in Scotland, I was in a pub with 2nd cousins, and their family (who I'm not related to by blood). When I went to the toilet, the pub owner asked one of them "Is that one a ____ (my last name)." I have no extended family in Canada, and it made me sooooo emotional, that someone from my family's home country recognized me like that. I always wondered what it would be like, to grow up surrounded by family.
What's funny is my cousin asked if he wanted to meet me, and he said 'no, I just wanted to know if I was right.' (He was quite elderly). It still makes me laugh when I think of his response, lol!
Thank you for these reflections. As a white American, I stopped asking this question a few years ago, because I didn't want to make anyone feel they didn't belong. But it is hard not to ask because I am genuinely curious. I recently moved to Maine, which is a very homogenous state. But Mainers call all of us who moved in as being "from away." You can live here for 20 years, and you are still from away. Even though it is mostly white Americans moving to a white American state, there is still a fear that their culture is being taken away. The quiet fishing and lobster towns are being overrun by wealthy Massachusetts professionals wanting second homes and lattes. The challenge is that Maine has a very old population and desperately needs younger people of working age. But the culture clash makes integration challenging. Yet all sides want to belong in this new reality.
Something I didn't mention: Chelseaites considered all those who moved from the city as being from away as well, even if they were other white Canadians. They were worried about losing their rural / village culture and turning into another suburb of Ottawa/Gatineau.
Noha--I cannot tell you how much I appreciated this piece. As a woman squarely situated in the dominant culture (white, cis, American) I often fear that my curiosity about people will come off the wrong way--either as ignorance on my part, or as condescension. And the truth is: I DO have so much to learn. And I genuinely want to. Not because I need people to explain themselves to me, but because I want to know and understand others as deeply as I can. Thank you for making a space where I can learn about where you are from and also for illuminating ways I might make future conversations feel safe & (hopefully) fruitful. I am so so grateful for your work!
That's so beautifully written Noha, you added the right nuance! I guess when you are born or grew up in the West this question is a rite of passage that helps you tell where you are at with your identity at a certain period of your life.
As someone who has lived abroad for most of my adult life now, this question doesn't annoy me, but I shape my answer according to the person I have in front of me. Usually I just answer, I am French-Cameroonian, and it is always a conversation starter, if I don't have time or the person has other reasons to ask me that question I just say I am French because this country begets less questions. In France, I might be annoyed by the question because IT IS MY country and 8 times out of 10 when I said I was French-Cameroonian, the answer was "oh but I have an uncle/aunt/friend from that African country [that has nothing to do with yours]." And even though I know it probably comes from a nice intention to start a conversation, I can't be bothered to educate people on France colonial past.
But all in all I'd say answering that question depends on the context, the people asking it, and if there's time for a good conversation.
I love that take, Emmanuelle, that it's a rite of passage that tells where you're at with your identity. I also agree with your description of the oversimplification of Africa, a MASSIVE continent. Could you imagine someone saying, I'm from England and someone else responding, "Oh I have a friend living in Latvia?" No! Because Europe isn't oversimplified like this.
My point, exactly. I am so tired of it. You know I do like you said now when I am politely irritated (my years in the UK have done wonders!) : "oh yeah you're Spanish, I love Portuguese food, don't you?" And then I proceed to look at the person's facial expression, and then they get the real meaning of oversimplification.
I get it about Canada sometimes, because we have a relatively small population - 38 million - next to the US. But we're not stereotyped in any negative way, so I doesn't really bother me.
The Egypt stereotyping is ridiculous though. My sister was asked, when she was in the 9th grade if she knew how to read hieroglyphics - if you're hoping it got better over time, it didn't, my kid, who's 13 now, was asked the same thing a few years ago.
Appreciate this take. I feel like I’m saying the same thing every week about us being similar. I’m in Birmingham, AL now, and largely get asked this question by people who look like me. It’s interesting because I was born and raise here. When I tell them this, but add my family is Haitian they snap their fingers and say, “I knew you weren’t from here.” I’m confused because one I was born here, and two I haven’t visited Haiti since I was 2. While I know at times it’s a question about invitation, no matter who’s asking it makes me feel like I belong elsewhere. And maybe that’s more about me, and less about them. As always, friend, each week the story telling is just great. The bit about the deli took me right to Brooklyn.
Have you ever seen this video?
https://youtu.be/DWynJkN5HbQ?si=l6DATS9MLibLDRJh
I use to teach it when I was in the classroom.
I cried watching/listening to Marc's letter to his son. I nodded to everything you wrote in this piece, Noha. WHERE ARE YOU REAAALLLY FROM!? would annoy the crap out of me every.single.time. This youtube video is gold, I want to hug it, it's so good.
But the important thing to take away is, what if we look at it under a new lens? What if we approach it likes Marc did? What if we ask the questions you did, Noha? No matter the tone or the attitude, what if we answer it with full meaning, full expression, and with the idea that we want to tell them fully who we are, not just a label they already told themselves in their head before even asking you?
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece.
Stephanie, I'm so glad you've discovered Marc's writing and videos. His love for his son is an absolute gift and a balm for the soul.
I love the idea of just rising, when we can, regardless of the tone or the attitude of the asker. It's hard but it's worthwhile.
I'm eavesdropping on this conversation because I spent all my time trying to "network" and didn't get enough time with you guys on Saturday. Lol
Hahaahaaaaa - come eavesdrop any time, my friend. I was so glad to meet you and get to know your open heart. There will be more future knowings, I hope.
"While I know at times it’s a question about invitation, no matter who’s asking it makes me feel like I belong elsewhere." I fully understand this and appreciate it. I think it still has the potential to be othering, especially because we have been othered so many times.
"I knew you weren't from here" is an incredibly frustrating thing to hear. I assume the people saying it are 6 or 7 generations of family in the same place, but that is a privilege and a luxury that doesn't exist for everyone, and there is beauty in exploring, so it implies a "better-ness" for the group that is "from here".
I haven't seen the video you're linking to. Really looking forward to it.
Thank you for the food for thought. I often ask people where they are from if I detect an accent. I also often say I’m glad they are here in this country of peace, like the young Ukrainian woman I spoke to at the lost and found at the airport. My questions come from my heart and genuine interest. I am a second generation Canadian whose parents came here as refugees. They were called displaced people at that time by the UN. Thank you for helping me understand your perspective.
Thank you for sharing that Alice. I think telling them that you're grateful they're here is a great addition, and can help quell the anxiety some of us get from being asked.
I'm curious: How do you answer the question, "where are you from?" If you're ever asked it?
Thank you for this post, and shout out to @Marc Typo for lighting the literary fir for this piece. I loved it! My favorite part is the quote,
"Perhaps Where are you from can be the question that takes us from an assumption of a default culture, a default worldview, to the recognition that we live in a world with so many ways of being, believing and seeing. Perhaps it can be the question that helps us to learn more about the ones about which we are mostly ignorant."
One of my goals for 2024 is to "lean in to curiosity" in order to be curious, you must be earnest and open, being curious with others requires trust and a willingness to share. Thank you for sharing!
Always a shout out to @Marc Typo, or as I like to call him, The King of Substack 🤣🤣
I think curiosity can only be a good thing. And yes, the trust becomes essential - I'm always happy to share - thanks for being curious.
Noha! I wish I was worthy of such a name 😂
Hahaaaa you KNOW you are!!! It's only a matter of time until the rest of the world realizes.
Another great post. I heard this question a lot growing up and as a military brat I never knew exactly how to answer it. Did they mean - where was I born? Where did I grow up? Where (geographically) is my family from? From where (ethnically) does my blood originate? I still don't know my answers, but I've taken to saying "I grew up everywhere". In this international Internet-soaked day and age, maybe it's not so much of a cop out as I used to feel it used to be. Thanks for the post and the opportunity to think about my own origins!
My goodness, you expose the various layers so well! And there are so many. You’re right that it seems more acceptable in our very global world now. I’ve heard the same from many army brats
I started a new job, working on a tribal reservation, and I've been perplexed by how many times I've been asked where I'm from as I meet new people here. Thinking about it in terms of "tell me some of your story" helps me understand better why this is the first question everyone asks, and I feel as though I've lost an opportunity in my awkward, confused responses.
Lorelai, that's so interesting. I think there's an added layer of importance of "where you're from" in a lot of Indigenous communities because have been decimated, and because there are a lot of what they call "pretendians" (unfortunately, white folks who masquerade as Indigenous for clout and fame and access to the few supports Indigenous people get in order to help lift them up out of the marginalization and injustice of having been colonized.).
This is how I understand it, anyway. And you now have an opportunity going forward for any new questions 🖤🖤🖤
Oh, yeah, I'm really glad I made the discovery that my mom saying she was 1/16th Indigenous was false BEFORE I started working here. XD Thank you, 23 and me.
I actually wrote a whole paid post about a similar question, "What brought you here?" which for a long time made me uncomfortable to answer. I've lived in Spokane for twelve years now, longer than I've lived anywhere, but for a long time after moving here people would ask me why I'd come. And the truth is, what led me here was my ex making a rash and fairly random decision. But I had moved all my life, and I was weary of moving, and had no strong roots elsewhere, so I stayed even after leaving him. Fought him to stay, actually, as he wanted to move our kids yet again to yet another state.
So maybe when people ask me "Where are you from," I could say, "Nowhere and everywhere. I've been like a tumbleweed most of my life. I'm glad to have grown roots here."
OMG I'm really glad you realized that too, re your mom! That would have been awful.
I think your answer is beautiful, and more indicative of the randomness of so much of our lives than we care to admit sometimes.
Yeah, unfortunately when I visited Ireland I was still suffering under the delusion that I was 1/4 Irish. 🫣 Though, being <10% Irish as opposed to the claimed 25% feels like less severe of a mess-up than being .02% Indigenous while claiming 3%.
lol yup!
This is a wonderful commentary on what can be a loaded question. I think it is a wonderful entry to learning about a person, about their history, their family, their culture. To connect. Yesterday, a hotelier with 3 properties in Florida was in our office. I could hear his accent as being either Vietnamese or maybe Chinese, but I opted to ask if he was from Vietnam. He was; of course we went completely off topic as we talked about his home (outside Saigon), the places I've visited in Vietnam, the food, places he suggested I visit when I get a chance to go again. When he, and his colleagues left the office I said "tom biet" - probably mispronounced, but it was what I remembered as good-bye in Vietnamese. If I hear US dialect, I will ask if the person is from the city I think the accent reminds me of, then we can joke about our sports teams. Some way, some how find a connection to help heal the world.
On the other hand, the question "Where are you from?" can be asked with a belligerent tone that can be threatening. And that's the rub. I think, I hope, the majority of people are asking from a real curiosity and attempt to connect, but I'm not sure that's the case.
I will say, on a lighthearted not, if I were to meet you and hear your Canadian accent, as a Chicagoan I would be obligated to talk smack about your baseball teams and if my Blackhawks are doing well, I would talk smack about your hockey teams.
Judith I love this! I think, as you said, the key is finding real connection and being clear in the intent for such a loaded question. I hope the same thing, but I haven't always been on the receiving end of it that way.
I love that you say baseball TEAMS (plural) lol because we have ONE whole team 😂😂😂😂 - I think there might have been another team once upon a time, or I'm getting mixed up with Basketball and the shortlived Vancouver Grizzlies.
I was once a pretty hardcore hockey fan, and loved the Blackhawks, but I've paid very little attention to hockey since my Montreal Canadiens went to the finals during the second year of the pandemic before being eliminated. When Carey Price retired the team was just unrecognizable. Maybe I'll check back in when they finish rebuilding. Who knows.
I would suspect that after 9/11 anyone asking you where are you from was threatening. Here, in Chicago, our synagogues helped any mosques or Islamic centers when vandalism happened. And it did. My last name often begs the question, but for me it’s more about checking my religion. Can be equally threatening. My personal hopes are not based in my sense of reality. That said, in my professional life, I firmly believe that travel can be a great source of connection and bridge to peace.
I so loved reading this, and it brought to mind the many interactions I've had over the past decade. I am South African, and am based between SA and Indonesia. In Indonesia every time I meet someone new (however fleeting), I am usually asked 'where are you from?'. I understand Noha that this context is different from you've written about, but here's what I've found fascinating: once I've told the person where I'm from I often ask 'are you from here?' – and their response is often a different area or island entirely. When I then follow with something like 'I've heard it's beautiful there', or 'people say the food is delicious in your city', the person will very often reply with 'oh but I've never been there. I was born here'. I love hearing about the depth to which peoples' roots run, and also how those shape their understanding of and connection to place.
Narina, I so love this! I think you've touched on the difference that the "Where are you from?" question invokes depending on whether colonialism/migration is a big factor or not.
And the fact that they answer that they're "from" somewhere without ever having been there. I can relate to that. And I think my kids can relate to that too. They've never been to Egypt but that is where we're "from" as a family.
I'm currently studying at a very international place, and in the first few weeks after I came here and started meeting new people, most of the conversations started with (or at least included) the question "Where are you from?" It was as common as "What's your name?", just another question asked with the purpose to learn more about someone. I guess there was, in fact, an assumption that someone is not from here, but again, so many of us weren't that it became a natural thing to ask. Right now, I can't even imagine being close with someone, sitting at the same desk or table in the canteen with someone, let alone being friends with them, without knowing where they're from, because knowing it is just as basic as knowing their name, birthday, etc. Like you said, it's a part of what makes you, you.
Diana, that sounds like a wonderful environment, and such a great chance to really get to know others. I think it's ok to make that assumption when the environment is so international, as you say.
Relatable!
I'm so glad you liked it 🤗🤗🤗
Thank you for your generous reflections.
Thank you so much, Michelle. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I very much enjoyed this read, especially because I love interacting with people as we travel the world.
As an American mostly living overseas and constantly traveling, I get asked this all of the time.
Of course, that's a very different thing from being an immigrant living in a new country and being quizzed on whether you "belong" or not.
I confess that I pretty carefully assess how my question might come across before asking. The last thing I want is to make someone else uncomforable. But if they seem open to it or if I can find a way to communicate the question comes from genuine curiosity and not some ill intent, I ask away. And more often than not I end up having wonderful conversations!
Michael thank you so much for the comment. I appreciate your take and I think you’ve hit on just the right balance of curiosity and the recognition that it can still be othering for immigrants. I think assessing it based on how game the other person is is perfect. I’m happy to be asked now but it took so many years to get there. The conversations are always enlightening though.
I find if you chat long enough about other things, you'll finally hit that serendiptous moment where the question can be asked in one way or another. And then you're off and running!
Yes! And the world is so big and so interesting and so rich with history and culture. I always want to hear more about it.
I really liked this piece and your perspective on this question. I like your optimism at people's positive intent when asking it. I think it's enriching to assume curiosity, in order to share more about a possibly unknown culture for the asker.
Thanks, Monica! Some of that may come from having never experienced life as a member of the majority. I remember hearing from multiple friends who were new immigrants, freshly arrived in Canada, and they found the curious looks so bothersome and offensive at first. I guess they never bothered me because I had never NOT had them. I am pretty adept at telling the difference between curiosity and hostility too.
Ah yes, that's a very good point and I realize that for the first 20 years of my life I was, indeed, part of the majority.
These stories make me so happy! (Caucasian living in Canada; no one asks me this Q).
Years ago in my family's village in Scotland, I was in a pub with 2nd cousins, and their family (who I'm not related to by blood). When I went to the toilet, the pub owner asked one of them "Is that one a ____ (my last name)." I have no extended family in Canada, and it made me sooooo emotional, that someone from my family's home country recognized me like that. I always wondered what it would be like, to grow up surrounded by family.
Can I just tell you that this story brought me to tears? Family is such a gift and a blessing. I totally get it. 🖤🖤🖤
What's funny is my cousin asked if he wanted to meet me, and he said 'no, I just wanted to know if I was right.' (He was quite elderly). It still makes me laugh when I think of his response, lol!
That's such a hilarious grumpy old man reaction 😂😂
Thank you for these reflections. As a white American, I stopped asking this question a few years ago, because I didn't want to make anyone feel they didn't belong. But it is hard not to ask because I am genuinely curious. I recently moved to Maine, which is a very homogenous state. But Mainers call all of us who moved in as being "from away." You can live here for 20 years, and you are still from away. Even though it is mostly white Americans moving to a white American state, there is still a fear that their culture is being taken away. The quiet fishing and lobster towns are being overrun by wealthy Massachusetts professionals wanting second homes and lattes. The challenge is that Maine has a very old population and desperately needs younger people of working age. But the culture clash makes integration challenging. Yet all sides want to belong in this new reality.
Your description of Maine reminds me of the 3 years we lived in the village of Chelsea, close to our hometown of Ottawa (which I discussed in some capacity in this post: https://nohabeshir.substack.com/p/it-takes-more-than-a-village?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Something I didn't mention: Chelseaites considered all those who moved from the city as being from away as well, even if they were other white Canadians. They were worried about losing their rural / village culture and turning into another suburb of Ottawa/Gatineau.
Noha--I cannot tell you how much I appreciated this piece. As a woman squarely situated in the dominant culture (white, cis, American) I often fear that my curiosity about people will come off the wrong way--either as ignorance on my part, or as condescension. And the truth is: I DO have so much to learn. And I genuinely want to. Not because I need people to explain themselves to me, but because I want to know and understand others as deeply as I can. Thank you for making a space where I can learn about where you are from and also for illuminating ways I might make future conversations feel safe & (hopefully) fruitful. I am so so grateful for your work!
Thank you so much, Isabel! These words are a balm to my heart ♥️
That's so beautifully written Noha, you added the right nuance! I guess when you are born or grew up in the West this question is a rite of passage that helps you tell where you are at with your identity at a certain period of your life.
As someone who has lived abroad for most of my adult life now, this question doesn't annoy me, but I shape my answer according to the person I have in front of me. Usually I just answer, I am French-Cameroonian, and it is always a conversation starter, if I don't have time or the person has other reasons to ask me that question I just say I am French because this country begets less questions. In France, I might be annoyed by the question because IT IS MY country and 8 times out of 10 when I said I was French-Cameroonian, the answer was "oh but I have an uncle/aunt/friend from that African country [that has nothing to do with yours]." And even though I know it probably comes from a nice intention to start a conversation, I can't be bothered to educate people on France colonial past.
But all in all I'd say answering that question depends on the context, the people asking it, and if there's time for a good conversation.
I love that take, Emmanuelle, that it's a rite of passage that tells where you're at with your identity. I also agree with your description of the oversimplification of Africa, a MASSIVE continent. Could you imagine someone saying, I'm from England and someone else responding, "Oh I have a friend living in Latvia?" No! Because Europe isn't oversimplified like this.
This question is a great compass haha!
My point, exactly. I am so tired of it. You know I do like you said now when I am politely irritated (my years in the UK have done wonders!) : "oh yeah you're Spanish, I love Portuguese food, don't you?" And then I proceed to look at the person's facial expression, and then they get the real meaning of oversimplification.
lol that's a brilliant take.
I get it about Canada sometimes, because we have a relatively small population - 38 million - next to the US. But we're not stereotyped in any negative way, so I doesn't really bother me.
The Egypt stereotyping is ridiculous though. My sister was asked, when she was in the 9th grade if she knew how to read hieroglyphics - if you're hoping it got better over time, it didn't, my kid, who's 13 now, was asked the same thing a few years ago.