As usual, a wonderful piece. Thank you, Noha :) I *love* that your faith gives you a framework within which to think about all this. And I especially love that you're able to disconnect your choice to be a hijabi from the Western perception of the practice, which fundamentally misunderstands where you're coming from! This inspires me to go think about how I can bring my Judaism into my thought process about all this, too.
I think a lot about the ways in which we attach morality to various things that are, inherently, made up and not moral at all in society. As you said, "A missed workout proves that I am lazy. A new pimple along my jawline proves that I’m undisciplined and gluttonous, that I can’t resist sugar even though I know it’s bad for me. A higher number on the scale proves that I’m unlovable. None of it makes anything better." My enduring question is *why* should a missed workout prove that we're lazy — instead of maybe just smart for having listened to our body asking for rest? Having a pimple isn't a failure, it's just something that happens when you have skin that comes into contact with air — but our society adds all this *stuff* onto it, making it more complicated than it needs to be. And on and on... It's a constant questioning in a world which really wants us to stand up to standards that are completely invented (by men) instead of seeing these things as just part of living in an everchanging body. Reading Aubrey Gordon and Virginia Sole-Smith (both incredible Substackers) has been a huge help in thinking about all this.
Mikhal, thank you so much! I would totally encourage you to consider how you can bring your Judaism into your thought process. I do feel like as a society we've gotten less and less tied to faith and I think there's just so much wisdom there especially in the ancient faiths. We're so obsessed with modernity that we just toss out so much of the ancient wisdom.
I don't know either of the writers you suggested! I will definitely check them both out. Thank you so much for the recommendations.
I'm trying to be more intuitive and listen to my body. I've been skiing twice in the last 3 days and it felt so good and it makes me wonder why I don't move more. I think if I can tie that exercise with actually listening to my body, moving myself more consciously, and hearing the signals I send, I will feel much better. I totally need to work on my sleep hygiene and my water consumption, and I bet if I did these things my skin would be so much better than with all the fancy creams and lotions and cleansers. But it's hard to internalize it when they push all these signals at you constantly.
"I have been thinner. I have had clearer skin and fewer frown lines. I was not happier, just younger and more bewildered about the world." That. All of this! I read these as words from my own inner dialogue about beauty and getting older. I appreciate your perspective so much. Thank you Noha!
Thank you for this very thoughtful and nuanced piece. As a woman and the mom of a daughter, I think about all these issues around beauty and body image so often. I watched as my diligent adherence to body positivity was not enough to shield my daughter from all the garbage about beauty and thinness. And then watched my own resolve fail in the face of the changes menopause brings. There's so little support for women at this time in life when it can feel like you've been given a new body that doesn't follow your familiar patterns. ("Why am I gaining weight THERE? I've never gained weight there!") How do I dress now that my shape is different? If I wear everything loose and flowing I feel like I'm hiding my body out of shame. It doesn't feel like me. I feel lost, like all clothing is either too old or too young for the me I am right now. I'm happiest when I can forget about image and focus on what this body can do, has done. I've had two kids, I'm strong - I can swim, I can lift heavy things and push a stalled car out of an intersection. I can walk miles without tiring. That ought to be enough. And sometimes it is. But like most women, I suspect, my grasp on that feeling of confidence and satisfaction is too tenuous, too fleeting. I'm so glad to have read your take on the hijab and modest dress. The distinction you make between choosing this mode of dress and having it forced on you is, obviously, a really important one. And I can really see how your choice to dress as you do could be empowering and centering, a reminder that we have value and worth that is separate from our looks. I has me thinking more about how to approach clothing my midlife body... Not that I've come to any conclusions, mind you. But I really appreciate the perspective shift you've given me. 💙
Tara, the way you describe this stage is so evocative and I found myself nodding along to all of it.
I have often found myself relieved to have sons, not daughters, because I don't want them to feel the pain and pressure we women suffer from society, and then have found myself dismayed that I see them STILL experiencing some stress and body image questions (too a much lesser degree, but the beast that is impossible beauty standards does not relent, and then add a layer to that when the ideal appearance is that of a white person and your children are Arab/brown.)
It's hard to make conclusions. It's very much a process. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective back - I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Nora, this was a very insightful, honest, and introspective piece. I really enjoyed it and as Marc said it's a pleasure to get to know someone through their work. I wish I had more constructive responses on the content besides thinking these industries and shallow capitalist institutions suck! Please keep fighting in the ways you know how! It makes a difference. Your children learn from your wisdom even if you don't know you're teaching them.
P.S. I love the audio function of your recent posts. Please continue! Adds an extra layer of humanity to the work. Cheers.
Anderson, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your support! Shallow capitalist institutions do suck so that's plenty constructive lol.
I think I've made peace with the fact that it's very much a pendulum... I'm not able to take it all the way but whatever level I can consistently apply is where I'll go to.
I'm glad you're enjoying the audio function, too! I think I'll keep doing it because it seems to have really resonated.
Noha, really enjoying getting to know you through your work. I love the care and the intention in explaining the belief, but also the internal conflicts you experience. It’s one of the reasons I appreciate you writing so much. You’re building a community where it’s okay to ask questions -thank you.
I have a clarifying question: You mentioned in “The rule of hijab dictates that a woman refrain from showing her beauty to the world, guarding it not as something to be ashamed of, but rather as something private, something that belongs to her and her close family.” In this context, can you say more about family? Is this any member of the family including all men? Or is there a level of intimacy that’s considered.
Thank you so much, Marc. I was concerned with this one that it could be interpreted as preachy, and I really wanted to make sure I was clearly just expressing my personal experience and my ethics and how I aim to be, even though the conflicts are real!!
Your question is a good one! So, not all male family members are included in the "exemption list" from hijab. There's a category of relationship called a "mahram" and any man that falls into that "mahram" category is who the woman is not obligated to wear a hijab in front of. The relationships this would apply to are, a woman's: father, son, brother, uncle, grandfather, husband, father-in-law, son-in-law, step-father, step-son, nephew. Off the top of my head, that's all of them, and I hope I'm not missing any.
Women do not have to cover in front of other women, but generally are encouraged to maintain a base level of modesty - so for example you won't find a lot of hijabi women changing out in the open in a women's dressing room. We'll always go for the stalls. Same for Muslim men who are focused on modesty in the men's dressing room.
For physical appearance, I've surrendered decisions about my clothing and hair to my wife. If she's happy, then i'm happy with the proviso that the clothing I wear has to be comfortable in fabric and not constricting.
I'm approaching 62 and I have fitness goals that affect my body in positive ways when I follow the goals. I like to think of it more as health than vanity, but I suppose there's a vanity aspect to it as well.
I’m starting to take the health implications more seriously not that I’m over 40, but for years my entire focus, whether I admitted it or not, really was appearance.
And I think you’re smart to subscribe to the happy wife happy life philosophy
During my time in retail, I spent 10 of those years working in women's ready to wear on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I had to dress the part, which in all honesty was fucking exhausting. I had to be 'ON' for lack of a better word. Make up perfect. Hair in place. Both shops had dress codes and dog forbid if you had one thing wrong.
And then there's the SELL SELL SELL on top of all that. The forcing (in hindsight, it's what it seemed like, it didn't at the time) women to look a certain way, to buy certain things because YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
I relished my days off because nothing made me happier than being a slob in jeans, tees and tennis shoes. Or better yet, no shoes.
Now that I'm finally done with retail and as I've gotten older, I rarely wear make up. I pretty much have stopped wearing any sort of jewelry. When my mom was still alive, she was always fretting about how I looked. I've just reached the point where as long as I can pass for a human, don't smell funny, it's all good.
Point is, I can appreciate your choices for how you dress. Besides, it's no one else's business.
Kim I LOVE your perspective here. Being in that environment day in and day out sounds unbelievably exhausting.
There are days I want to dress up. When I actually want to, I'm happy to do it, but recognizing how much pressure we get (or as you described it, that sense that YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!) is so freeing.
There are stories of non-hijabis just trying it to get the experience for the day / week. If you'd like to, you would be welcomed. Just don't get too sucked into the hijab fashion videos on youtube - there's a whole WORLD of them and I find them intimidating even though I've been wearing hijab for 28 years.
Let me find you a good youtube video you can follow. I'll try to search for it today, in terms of logistics of how to actually put it on, but I will say this. You can find scarves that people usually wear around their necks, but ones that are wider and easily fold, and then wrap them around your head. There are a million different ways to wear a hijab, but my go to is the "wrap-around" scarf style, mainly because I am all about the practical approach and it's one of the easiest kinds.
In terms of how to do it, I'd say put it on and then go out for a day with it on, or for an errand if you feel like a day is too long.
If you don't feel like explaining it to people, just go grocery shopping or do something where no one knows you, and if you live in a big enough city, I expect no one will bat an eye
Thank you, Noha!! I had not completely understood the reasons for the hijab outside of where it was required.
I am and mostly grew up overweight. Sometimes more, sometimes. There were times I wished for a hijab or something to cover me. I dealt with it as a lot of women do... looser clothing. Then maternity tops when the kids came along. Some loss along the way but mostly overweight all my life overweight. The people in my life who really saw "ME".... that was a grand feeling for me to know they looked at me and their eyes did not stop at the outer layer but looked deeply in my soul to say to me, I love you for who you are. You
My one liner of an explanation when I was younger was always, "I wear hijab so I'll be judged for who I really am inside, not what I look like." Essentially what you said.
Appearance is such a beast. And the attention to it is way too overblown.
Wow I didn’t knew I would see this on Substack. Much appreciated! I will be equally grateful if you read my latest post and share your thoughts. It’s from the same world but much more conservative and I think you will find it interesting. Thank you!
I reverted to Islam 3 years ago and one of my main struggles is wearing the hijab because as you are, I am vein. During Ramadan I always feel so motivated to wear my hijab and fully embrace this aspect of being a Muslim woman. But then the feeling fades away.
I agree to the profound and beneficial effects of being hijab. Yet, it is still a great challenge for me. I have started dressing more modest. I began with getting rid of my short pants and short skirts and started building my wardrobe with less revealing tops. But I waiver a lot, and find myself converting back to old dressing habits.
This piece was very helpful for me! Do you have any tips on how I can try other methods to transition into becoming fully hijab?
I'm so happy to meet you. Honestly what you are describing is so completely normal, especially given that you didn't grow up with it! Transitioning to more modest clothing aside from just whether or not your cover your head is an amazing first step and you are absolutely on the right track.
The two biggest suggestions I can give you if you want to transition to full hijaby are:
-spend time with other Muslimahs. It's scientifically proven that we're affected by our peers and our environment so if you're around other people who care about hijab it will help you place more importance on it.
-make dua. Ask Allah swt to give you the strength and conviction to wear it and act on it. Dua brings you closer to Him and even if it takes longer to do it, you will still get the reward for your intentions.
The last thing is that you shouldn't worry what other people are thinking or if they're "tracking" whether or not you're wearing it. The hijab doesn't make you Muslim or say anything about your piety. it's one of many commandments from Allah swt to us, and even if you're struggling with hit, you may be doing awesome in another area - like salah, that some hijabi might be struggling with. So, if you're having a hard time now, wear it when you can or when you feel up to it, and then don't when you can't. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Everything in a process. I have friends that have put it on and taken it off many times, and that's their personal journey. I don't even ask because I don't think it should be the biggest deal or the most important thing about them.
Thank you!! As a feminist I have long supported a Muslim woman’s right to define for herself what the hijab means. One thing I ‘see’ when I see so many hijabis around me is, rightly or wrongly, a bisible protest against Western hegemony. I have longed for a similar garb in my own culture and tradition. When I was in Indonesia in October, I bought a beautiful hijab that I wear as a regular scarf. I did so to honour the country and its people, and to remind me, every time I wear it, of the depth of meaning in the hijab. (I also covered my hair when I visited the largest mosque there (in Jakarta), even though it wasn’t required).
Jessica that is so beautiful! My understanding is that head coverings for women existed in many if not most cultures long ago, but have become less and less common over time. I'm not enough of a history expert to actually confirm that though!
I personally never saw my hijab as a political symbol, nor was it taught to me as a political symbol in any way, shape or form. It was always a deeply personal, religious connection with God. It was only as a university student that I first learned of it being either used to express a political message, or being perceived as a political message. Of course, a symbol, by its definition, will mean so many different things to so many different people, so I don't purport to speak for anyone else on this. I only feel that the non-political meaning, the deep, personal one that speaks to soul work and inner focus, is often lost, and I wanted to bring that to the surface.
I suppose that a shunning of spending money on appearance and viewing oneself as less than, and refusing to participate in Big Beauty is political too in its own way.
Thank you, @noha! Although it was not your intention, your response helps me to “check my assumptions,” you know? As an anti racist ally who lives among a diverse Muslim community, I can say what it means for me when I see the hijab (and other symbols not my own), but be careful to a) not assume that’s the meaning for the wearer, or perhaps more importantly, be careful that my white voice doesn’t inadvertently silence the voices of those who actually know what they’re doing and why!
Also, let me say that I have longed for a way to express modesty that suits me, you know? There aren’t a whole lot of progressive options for a white Christian. One thing that I have embraced is a minimalist, ethical wardrobe. That, I am coming to realize, could be seen as a choice for a certain kind of modesty, similar to what you’re saying about vanity. Do you think?
Jessica, I hope you don't feel I was chastising you - I appreciate your being so open to discussing this. It's possible that other Muslims do see it as political. You may want to check out Emmanuelle Marechal's piece from this a.m. She has quotes from many hijabi women who maybe do view it more politically than me. https://lejournalcurioso.substack.com/p/the-power-politics-and-persecution
And I think your position on a minimalist ethical wardrobe is spot on. It may not be as obvious, but obvious is not the only indicator of something being "good". I am so enjoying these chat, Jessica. I can't wait to meet you and chat in real life! 🖤🖤🖤🖤
I do not think that you were chastising me at all! But the Holy Spirit convicts me through others, whether they know it or not. :)
Yes, me too! (about meeting IRL). Funny - I just realized that if I 'humble brag' about a minimalist ethical wardrobe, then it isn't exactly modest, is it!
Hahaaahaaaa loving your sense of humour. I have a huge smile on my face as I'm replying...
And it's such a fine balance, having conversations about topics and explaining where you are on something without it crossing over into "bragging" - that's another concept in the Islamic tradition called "Reya" (which means, doing things for the sake of people not for the sake of God, wanting to impress people, etc). I may need to write about it! It's a complicated topic, and one that whole books have been written about under the Islamic field of purification of the soul.
Great article, Noha. My mom (a Hindu woman) was required to wear the Abaya in public, where I grew up in the Middle East. She had no choice but I recall her saying that she enjoyed the fact that she can go out shopping in her home wear and no one would know, or care. Thanks for sharing this personal story. The west (where I live now) is largely unaware and in some cases ignorant of other cultures and the meaning behind some traditions. So it’s wonderful that you are able to share light on these topics.
I just posted an article about another disconnect between the west and the rest of the world, about what it means to be free and safe, and can both coexist? In this I highlight some of my experiences in the Middle East. Will share it here. Would love to hear your take on it. https://rajofftherecord.substack.com/p/can-freedom-and-safety-coexist
I assume your mom lived in Saudi? My parents are from Egypt and there are no rules about how to dress in public there - in fact my mother wore the hijab in the early 70's as a university student, and was chided by everyone around her, including family and neighbours who accused her of thinking she was more pious than them and that she was judging them by wearing it. At the time, all her peers were wearing mini-skirts. (putting this down I realize I may have another essay to write - ha!)
I'll definitely take a look at your essay. Saving it to my list now!
I really enjoyed reading this Noha! Thank you for giving so much insight into you and your culture. The relationship there is between beauty and capitalism is such a minefield. I admire your honesty about your relationship with it, especially as a Muslim woman - I’ve learnt a lot from what you’ve said! I think living in the western world gives you such a front seat to everything beauty encompasses on such an intense level and it’s really hard to notice that it’s happening and then even harder to try and change your relationship with it (that’s totally being pushed).
I lost my health a few years ago and became bed bound for a very long time (very boring). I was so radically pulled out of life as a young woman - working, socialising, exercising and even clothing because trust me you just wear the same tshirt and pjyamas when you can’t get out of bed - it really affected my relationship with beauty. I couldn’t preen myself anymore, exercise or do anything that is considered as bettering your appearance (aware this is a flawed thought process but at the age of 22 it’s just how I viewed it). I’m a little better now, but still sick, and loosing my health just completely changed my idea of beauty. Because nothing is more beautiful than a healthy working body and that’s all I want. I’ve lost a lot of weight through being sick and that’s also totally changed the way I view loosing weight. I’m now so eager to be able to put it back on when I’m well again? Because it’s not a fun loss! Even though so many people might consider it to be a win? I’m so much more concerned I’ve lost muscle and ability to move rather than how small my waist is or what my legs look like.
All this to say being pulled out of the world in many ways really impacted the way I want to exist in the world and how I think of beauty. It’s been really fascinating to witness. I am also wary of finding it incredibly challenging once I am (hopefully) more recovered one day and I can return to working and socialising and exercising etc. But I think overall it’s changed me for the better. I care so much more about my soul, my brain and health and everything else I have as opposed to my physical appearance now.
I also loved learning that Hijab translates to barrier! I think that’s a very cool translation. (I hope that doesn’t sound weird. I mean it with enthusiasm and admiration that it has such a direct and appropriate translation.)
The idea of barriers kicked off my brain thinking of my own barriers I have to beauty now I’m chronically unwell.
Thank you for writing such a thought provoking piece! Ever since I read it yesterday it sparked me to think about the things I’ve just shared and it’s been really interesting. So thank you!
Martha, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I can totally understand everything you described - I have never been that sick, but the times I have had bouts with illness, it has very much helped me zero in on what really matters (as you described, the soul, brain, health, etc). Unfortunately I do then forget or ignore as soon as I'm better, which I think comes from taking the other more important things for granted.
You've reminded me of another saying of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him): "Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.”
It's a little clunky in English as a translation, but it speaks to not taking the really important things for granted.
Yes even smaller bouts of sickness can definitely give perspective on what really matters. I’ve never come across that saying of taking advantage of five before five - but it so true and definitely speaks to remembering what’s important. I’ll carry that phrase with me - thank you for sharing it with me!
I just read the piece about your time in Montreal (Maisonneuve), and I feel sick. I cant express how sad I am that you went through that. We ought to be able to wear what we want, when we want.
There's far too much importance on appearance in our society, and a lot of it is driven by greed. We are told we are not enough, and we have to spend money to become enough. It's not about us -- it's about people with money, wanting our money.
It is anti-capitalist to be content with our appearance or anything else.
If one chooses, for religious or philosophical reasons, to differ from the crowd, then one runs the risk of being criticized in order to bring one back into line. Groups of people turn against outsiders. Sadly, few people are brave enough not to follow the herd. (Actually, it takes intelligence too.)
I spent most of my life trying to fit in, and never feeling "right".
Following one's own beliefs is a very brave thing to do in our society. So Muslim women are being VERY brave.
On a different note, but still about appearance: in there not an onus on men to be modest in how they look at women?
Ellen, thank you so much for reading the piece in Maisonneuve. I worked SO hard on it and poured so much energy, time, and emotion into it so I'm always so grateful when someone takes the time to read it. I totally get you about feeling sick. It was sickening to write, and yet cathartic at the same time.
I completely agree to you that the whole basis of the focus of appearance is money and greed, and I appreciate your sentiments. I also think it's brave ❤️, especially because not only are we standing out, but we're exposing our differences to racist and prejudiced people.
To answer your question: yes, there is an onus on men to express their modesty as well, both in the way they dress and interact, and in the way they look (or don't) at women. There's a concept of "lowering the gaze" which basically amounts to being respectful of how you look at a person, not objectifying them with the gaze, not ogling.
As usual, a wonderful piece. Thank you, Noha :) I *love* that your faith gives you a framework within which to think about all this. And I especially love that you're able to disconnect your choice to be a hijabi from the Western perception of the practice, which fundamentally misunderstands where you're coming from! This inspires me to go think about how I can bring my Judaism into my thought process about all this, too.
I think a lot about the ways in which we attach morality to various things that are, inherently, made up and not moral at all in society. As you said, "A missed workout proves that I am lazy. A new pimple along my jawline proves that I’m undisciplined and gluttonous, that I can’t resist sugar even though I know it’s bad for me. A higher number on the scale proves that I’m unlovable. None of it makes anything better." My enduring question is *why* should a missed workout prove that we're lazy — instead of maybe just smart for having listened to our body asking for rest? Having a pimple isn't a failure, it's just something that happens when you have skin that comes into contact with air — but our society adds all this *stuff* onto it, making it more complicated than it needs to be. And on and on... It's a constant questioning in a world which really wants us to stand up to standards that are completely invented (by men) instead of seeing these things as just part of living in an everchanging body. Reading Aubrey Gordon and Virginia Sole-Smith (both incredible Substackers) has been a huge help in thinking about all this.
Mikhal, thank you so much! I would totally encourage you to consider how you can bring your Judaism into your thought process. I do feel like as a society we've gotten less and less tied to faith and I think there's just so much wisdom there especially in the ancient faiths. We're so obsessed with modernity that we just toss out so much of the ancient wisdom.
I don't know either of the writers you suggested! I will definitely check them both out. Thank you so much for the recommendations.
I'm trying to be more intuitive and listen to my body. I've been skiing twice in the last 3 days and it felt so good and it makes me wonder why I don't move more. I think if I can tie that exercise with actually listening to my body, moving myself more consciously, and hearing the signals I send, I will feel much better. I totally need to work on my sleep hygiene and my water consumption, and I bet if I did these things my skin would be so much better than with all the fancy creams and lotions and cleansers. But it's hard to internalize it when they push all these signals at you constantly.
"I have been thinner. I have had clearer skin and fewer frown lines. I was not happier, just younger and more bewildered about the world." That. All of this! I read these as words from my own inner dialogue about beauty and getting older. I appreciate your perspective so much. Thank you Noha!
Emmy thank you so much. I'm so glad it resonated with you. Those were possibly my favourite lines in the essay too.
Thank you for this very thoughtful and nuanced piece. As a woman and the mom of a daughter, I think about all these issues around beauty and body image so often. I watched as my diligent adherence to body positivity was not enough to shield my daughter from all the garbage about beauty and thinness. And then watched my own resolve fail in the face of the changes menopause brings. There's so little support for women at this time in life when it can feel like you've been given a new body that doesn't follow your familiar patterns. ("Why am I gaining weight THERE? I've never gained weight there!") How do I dress now that my shape is different? If I wear everything loose and flowing I feel like I'm hiding my body out of shame. It doesn't feel like me. I feel lost, like all clothing is either too old or too young for the me I am right now. I'm happiest when I can forget about image and focus on what this body can do, has done. I've had two kids, I'm strong - I can swim, I can lift heavy things and push a stalled car out of an intersection. I can walk miles without tiring. That ought to be enough. And sometimes it is. But like most women, I suspect, my grasp on that feeling of confidence and satisfaction is too tenuous, too fleeting. I'm so glad to have read your take on the hijab and modest dress. The distinction you make between choosing this mode of dress and having it forced on you is, obviously, a really important one. And I can really see how your choice to dress as you do could be empowering and centering, a reminder that we have value and worth that is separate from our looks. I has me thinking more about how to approach clothing my midlife body... Not that I've come to any conclusions, mind you. But I really appreciate the perspective shift you've given me. 💙
Tara, the way you describe this stage is so evocative and I found myself nodding along to all of it.
I have often found myself relieved to have sons, not daughters, because I don't want them to feel the pain and pressure we women suffer from society, and then have found myself dismayed that I see them STILL experiencing some stress and body image questions (too a much lesser degree, but the beast that is impossible beauty standards does not relent, and then add a layer to that when the ideal appearance is that of a white person and your children are Arab/brown.)
It's hard to make conclusions. It's very much a process. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective back - I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Nora, this was a very insightful, honest, and introspective piece. I really enjoyed it and as Marc said it's a pleasure to get to know someone through their work. I wish I had more constructive responses on the content besides thinking these industries and shallow capitalist institutions suck! Please keep fighting in the ways you know how! It makes a difference. Your children learn from your wisdom even if you don't know you're teaching them.
P.S. I love the audio function of your recent posts. Please continue! Adds an extra layer of humanity to the work. Cheers.
Anderson, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate your support! Shallow capitalist institutions do suck so that's plenty constructive lol.
I think I've made peace with the fact that it's very much a pendulum... I'm not able to take it all the way but whatever level I can consistently apply is where I'll go to.
I'm glad you're enjoying the audio function, too! I think I'll keep doing it because it seems to have really resonated.
Noha, really enjoying getting to know you through your work. I love the care and the intention in explaining the belief, but also the internal conflicts you experience. It’s one of the reasons I appreciate you writing so much. You’re building a community where it’s okay to ask questions -thank you.
I have a clarifying question: You mentioned in “The rule of hijab dictates that a woman refrain from showing her beauty to the world, guarding it not as something to be ashamed of, but rather as something private, something that belongs to her and her close family.” In this context, can you say more about family? Is this any member of the family including all men? Or is there a level of intimacy that’s considered.
Thank you so much, Marc. I was concerned with this one that it could be interpreted as preachy, and I really wanted to make sure I was clearly just expressing my personal experience and my ethics and how I aim to be, even though the conflicts are real!!
Your question is a good one! So, not all male family members are included in the "exemption list" from hijab. There's a category of relationship called a "mahram" and any man that falls into that "mahram" category is who the woman is not obligated to wear a hijab in front of. The relationships this would apply to are, a woman's: father, son, brother, uncle, grandfather, husband, father-in-law, son-in-law, step-father, step-son, nephew. Off the top of my head, that's all of them, and I hope I'm not missing any.
Women do not have to cover in front of other women, but generally are encouraged to maintain a base level of modesty - so for example you won't find a lot of hijabi women changing out in the open in a women's dressing room. We'll always go for the stalls. Same for Muslim men who are focused on modesty in the men's dressing room.
For physical appearance, I've surrendered decisions about my clothing and hair to my wife. If she's happy, then i'm happy with the proviso that the clothing I wear has to be comfortable in fabric and not constricting.
I'm approaching 62 and I have fitness goals that affect my body in positive ways when I follow the goals. I like to think of it more as health than vanity, but I suppose there's a vanity aspect to it as well.
I’m starting to take the health implications more seriously not that I’m over 40, but for years my entire focus, whether I admitted it or not, really was appearance.
And I think you’re smart to subscribe to the happy wife happy life philosophy
As a hijabi, I absolutely loved reading this beautiful piece<3
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, Shura. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
During my time in retail, I spent 10 of those years working in women's ready to wear on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I had to dress the part, which in all honesty was fucking exhausting. I had to be 'ON' for lack of a better word. Make up perfect. Hair in place. Both shops had dress codes and dog forbid if you had one thing wrong.
And then there's the SELL SELL SELL on top of all that. The forcing (in hindsight, it's what it seemed like, it didn't at the time) women to look a certain way, to buy certain things because YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
I relished my days off because nothing made me happier than being a slob in jeans, tees and tennis shoes. Or better yet, no shoes.
Now that I'm finally done with retail and as I've gotten older, I rarely wear make up. I pretty much have stopped wearing any sort of jewelry. When my mom was still alive, she was always fretting about how I looked. I've just reached the point where as long as I can pass for a human, don't smell funny, it's all good.
Point is, I can appreciate your choices for how you dress. Besides, it's no one else's business.
Thanks for sharing, everyone should read this!
Kim I LOVE your perspective here. Being in that environment day in and day out sounds unbelievably exhausting.
There are days I want to dress up. When I actually want to, I'm happy to do it, but recognizing how much pressure we get (or as you described it, that sense that YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!) is so freeing.
I have never worn one but I would love to try sometime.
There are stories of non-hijabis just trying it to get the experience for the day / week. If you'd like to, you would be welcomed. Just don't get too sucked into the hijab fashion videos on youtube - there's a whole WORLD of them and I find them intimidating even though I've been wearing hijab for 28 years.
What is your advice on trying one if I am non-muslim and know nothing about wearing one?
Let me find you a good youtube video you can follow. I'll try to search for it today, in terms of logistics of how to actually put it on, but I will say this. You can find scarves that people usually wear around their necks, but ones that are wider and easily fold, and then wrap them around your head. There are a million different ways to wear a hijab, but my go to is the "wrap-around" scarf style, mainly because I am all about the practical approach and it's one of the easiest kinds.
In terms of how to do it, I'd say put it on and then go out for a day with it on, or for an errand if you feel like a day is too long.
If you don't feel like explaining it to people, just go grocery shopping or do something where no one knows you, and if you live in a big enough city, I expect no one will bat an eye
There are so many on there, I have been looking
I would like that. I am starting to read and learn more and its been nice so far.
Thank you, Noha!! I had not completely understood the reasons for the hijab outside of where it was required.
I am and mostly grew up overweight. Sometimes more, sometimes. There were times I wished for a hijab or something to cover me. I dealt with it as a lot of women do... looser clothing. Then maternity tops when the kids came along. Some loss along the way but mostly overweight all my life overweight. The people in my life who really saw "ME".... that was a grand feeling for me to know they looked at me and their eyes did not stop at the outer layer but looked deeply in my soul to say to me, I love you for who you are. You
Oh Sue, that's so meaningful.
My one liner of an explanation when I was younger was always, "I wear hijab so I'll be judged for who I really am inside, not what I look like." Essentially what you said.
Appearance is such a beast. And the attention to it is way too overblown.
Wow I didn’t knew I would see this on Substack. Much appreciated! I will be equally grateful if you read my latest post and share your thoughts. It’s from the same world but much more conservative and I think you will find it interesting. Thank you!
I reverted to Islam 3 years ago and one of my main struggles is wearing the hijab because as you are, I am vein. During Ramadan I always feel so motivated to wear my hijab and fully embrace this aspect of being a Muslim woman. But then the feeling fades away.
I agree to the profound and beneficial effects of being hijab. Yet, it is still a great challenge for me. I have started dressing more modest. I began with getting rid of my short pants and short skirts and started building my wardrobe with less revealing tops. But I waiver a lot, and find myself converting back to old dressing habits.
This piece was very helpful for me! Do you have any tips on how I can try other methods to transition into becoming fully hijab?
Natasha, salam alaikum!
I'm so happy to meet you. Honestly what you are describing is so completely normal, especially given that you didn't grow up with it! Transitioning to more modest clothing aside from just whether or not your cover your head is an amazing first step and you are absolutely on the right track.
The two biggest suggestions I can give you if you want to transition to full hijaby are:
-spend time with other Muslimahs. It's scientifically proven that we're affected by our peers and our environment so if you're around other people who care about hijab it will help you place more importance on it.
-make dua. Ask Allah swt to give you the strength and conviction to wear it and act on it. Dua brings you closer to Him and even if it takes longer to do it, you will still get the reward for your intentions.
The last thing is that you shouldn't worry what other people are thinking or if they're "tracking" whether or not you're wearing it. The hijab doesn't make you Muslim or say anything about your piety. it's one of many commandments from Allah swt to us, and even if you're struggling with hit, you may be doing awesome in another area - like salah, that some hijabi might be struggling with. So, if you're having a hard time now, wear it when you can or when you feel up to it, and then don't when you can't. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Everything in a process. I have friends that have put it on and taken it off many times, and that's their personal journey. I don't even ask because I don't think it should be the biggest deal or the most important thing about them.
I'm always here if you want to chat 🖤🖤🖤
Subhan Allah, thank you!
Thank you!! As a feminist I have long supported a Muslim woman’s right to define for herself what the hijab means. One thing I ‘see’ when I see so many hijabis around me is, rightly or wrongly, a bisible protest against Western hegemony. I have longed for a similar garb in my own culture and tradition. When I was in Indonesia in October, I bought a beautiful hijab that I wear as a regular scarf. I did so to honour the country and its people, and to remind me, every time I wear it, of the depth of meaning in the hijab. (I also covered my hair when I visited the largest mosque there (in Jakarta), even though it wasn’t required).
Jessica that is so beautiful! My understanding is that head coverings for women existed in many if not most cultures long ago, but have become less and less common over time. I'm not enough of a history expert to actually confirm that though!
I personally never saw my hijab as a political symbol, nor was it taught to me as a political symbol in any way, shape or form. It was always a deeply personal, religious connection with God. It was only as a university student that I first learned of it being either used to express a political message, or being perceived as a political message. Of course, a symbol, by its definition, will mean so many different things to so many different people, so I don't purport to speak for anyone else on this. I only feel that the non-political meaning, the deep, personal one that speaks to soul work and inner focus, is often lost, and I wanted to bring that to the surface.
I suppose that a shunning of spending money on appearance and viewing oneself as less than, and refusing to participate in Big Beauty is political too in its own way.
Thank you, @noha! Although it was not your intention, your response helps me to “check my assumptions,” you know? As an anti racist ally who lives among a diverse Muslim community, I can say what it means for me when I see the hijab (and other symbols not my own), but be careful to a) not assume that’s the meaning for the wearer, or perhaps more importantly, be careful that my white voice doesn’t inadvertently silence the voices of those who actually know what they’re doing and why!
Also, let me say that I have longed for a way to express modesty that suits me, you know? There aren’t a whole lot of progressive options for a white Christian. One thing that I have embraced is a minimalist, ethical wardrobe. That, I am coming to realize, could be seen as a choice for a certain kind of modesty, similar to what you’re saying about vanity. Do you think?
Jessica, I hope you don't feel I was chastising you - I appreciate your being so open to discussing this. It's possible that other Muslims do see it as political. You may want to check out Emmanuelle Marechal's piece from this a.m. She has quotes from many hijabi women who maybe do view it more politically than me. https://lejournalcurioso.substack.com/p/the-power-politics-and-persecution
And I think your position on a minimalist ethical wardrobe is spot on. It may not be as obvious, but obvious is not the only indicator of something being "good". I am so enjoying these chat, Jessica. I can't wait to meet you and chat in real life! 🖤🖤🖤🖤
I do not think that you were chastising me at all! But the Holy Spirit convicts me through others, whether they know it or not. :)
Yes, me too! (about meeting IRL). Funny - I just realized that if I 'humble brag' about a minimalist ethical wardrobe, then it isn't exactly modest, is it!
Hahaaahaaaa loving your sense of humour. I have a huge smile on my face as I'm replying...
And it's such a fine balance, having conversations about topics and explaining where you are on something without it crossing over into "bragging" - that's another concept in the Islamic tradition called "Reya" (which means, doing things for the sake of people not for the sake of God, wanting to impress people, etc). I may need to write about it! It's a complicated topic, and one that whole books have been written about under the Islamic field of purification of the soul.
I don't know where to find your email address (I get my essays through the app). Can you either email me directly, or let me know your email address?
Great article, Noha. My mom (a Hindu woman) was required to wear the Abaya in public, where I grew up in the Middle East. She had no choice but I recall her saying that she enjoyed the fact that she can go out shopping in her home wear and no one would know, or care. Thanks for sharing this personal story. The west (where I live now) is largely unaware and in some cases ignorant of other cultures and the meaning behind some traditions. So it’s wonderful that you are able to share light on these topics.
I just posted an article about another disconnect between the west and the rest of the world, about what it means to be free and safe, and can both coexist? In this I highlight some of my experiences in the Middle East. Will share it here. Would love to hear your take on it. https://rajofftherecord.substack.com/p/can-freedom-and-safety-coexist
Hi Raj,
I assume your mom lived in Saudi? My parents are from Egypt and there are no rules about how to dress in public there - in fact my mother wore the hijab in the early 70's as a university student, and was chided by everyone around her, including family and neighbours who accused her of thinking she was more pious than them and that she was judging them by wearing it. At the time, all her peers were wearing mini-skirts. (putting this down I realize I may have another essay to write - ha!)
I'll definitely take a look at your essay. Saving it to my list now!
I really enjoyed reading this Noha! Thank you for giving so much insight into you and your culture. The relationship there is between beauty and capitalism is such a minefield. I admire your honesty about your relationship with it, especially as a Muslim woman - I’ve learnt a lot from what you’ve said! I think living in the western world gives you such a front seat to everything beauty encompasses on such an intense level and it’s really hard to notice that it’s happening and then even harder to try and change your relationship with it (that’s totally being pushed).
I lost my health a few years ago and became bed bound for a very long time (very boring). I was so radically pulled out of life as a young woman - working, socialising, exercising and even clothing because trust me you just wear the same tshirt and pjyamas when you can’t get out of bed - it really affected my relationship with beauty. I couldn’t preen myself anymore, exercise or do anything that is considered as bettering your appearance (aware this is a flawed thought process but at the age of 22 it’s just how I viewed it). I’m a little better now, but still sick, and loosing my health just completely changed my idea of beauty. Because nothing is more beautiful than a healthy working body and that’s all I want. I’ve lost a lot of weight through being sick and that’s also totally changed the way I view loosing weight. I’m now so eager to be able to put it back on when I’m well again? Because it’s not a fun loss! Even though so many people might consider it to be a win? I’m so much more concerned I’ve lost muscle and ability to move rather than how small my waist is or what my legs look like.
All this to say being pulled out of the world in many ways really impacted the way I want to exist in the world and how I think of beauty. It’s been really fascinating to witness. I am also wary of finding it incredibly challenging once I am (hopefully) more recovered one day and I can return to working and socialising and exercising etc. But I think overall it’s changed me for the better. I care so much more about my soul, my brain and health and everything else I have as opposed to my physical appearance now.
I also loved learning that Hijab translates to barrier! I think that’s a very cool translation. (I hope that doesn’t sound weird. I mean it with enthusiasm and admiration that it has such a direct and appropriate translation.)
The idea of barriers kicked off my brain thinking of my own barriers I have to beauty now I’m chronically unwell.
Thank you for writing such a thought provoking piece! Ever since I read it yesterday it sparked me to think about the things I’ve just shared and it’s been really interesting. So thank you!
Martha, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I can totally understand everything you described - I have never been that sick, but the times I have had bouts with illness, it has very much helped me zero in on what really matters (as you described, the soul, brain, health, etc). Unfortunately I do then forget or ignore as soon as I'm better, which I think comes from taking the other more important things for granted.
You've reminded me of another saying of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him): "Take advantage of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your illness, your riches before your poverty, your free time before your work, and your life before your death.”
It's a little clunky in English as a translation, but it speaks to not taking the really important things for granted.
Yes even smaller bouts of sickness can definitely give perspective on what really matters. I’ve never come across that saying of taking advantage of five before five - but it so true and definitely speaks to remembering what’s important. I’ll carry that phrase with me - thank you for sharing it with me!
I just read the piece about your time in Montreal (Maisonneuve), and I feel sick. I cant express how sad I am that you went through that. We ought to be able to wear what we want, when we want.
There's far too much importance on appearance in our society, and a lot of it is driven by greed. We are told we are not enough, and we have to spend money to become enough. It's not about us -- it's about people with money, wanting our money.
It is anti-capitalist to be content with our appearance or anything else.
If one chooses, for religious or philosophical reasons, to differ from the crowd, then one runs the risk of being criticized in order to bring one back into line. Groups of people turn against outsiders. Sadly, few people are brave enough not to follow the herd. (Actually, it takes intelligence too.)
I spent most of my life trying to fit in, and never feeling "right".
Following one's own beliefs is a very brave thing to do in our society. So Muslim women are being VERY brave.
On a different note, but still about appearance: in there not an onus on men to be modest in how they look at women?
Ellen, thank you so much for reading the piece in Maisonneuve. I worked SO hard on it and poured so much energy, time, and emotion into it so I'm always so grateful when someone takes the time to read it. I totally get you about feeling sick. It was sickening to write, and yet cathartic at the same time.
I completely agree to you that the whole basis of the focus of appearance is money and greed, and I appreciate your sentiments. I also think it's brave ❤️, especially because not only are we standing out, but we're exposing our differences to racist and prejudiced people.
To answer your question: yes, there is an onus on men to express their modesty as well, both in the way they dress and interact, and in the way they look (or don't) at women. There's a concept of "lowering the gaze" which basically amounts to being respectful of how you look at a person, not objectifying them with the gaze, not ogling.