Noha, this was a beautiful reflection! I loved the images and the passage of time in your essay. For me, I had just left my corporate job two months before the pandemic started and I embraced the “homeschooling mom” identity with two toddlers in tow. I started consulting for a family foundation and took my first writing class. I gave myself permission to get messy. I pulled my kid out of school. I embraced freedom. I met neighbors, made moms friends and started new routines. I hosted virtual Quran khatams and hosted family that died from the pandemic. I took on new responsibilities. I met a huge community online and fell in love with spiritual knowledge and started learning quranic Arabic. I basically wanted to get my spiritual affairs in order when I thought the world was going to end. Let each day be the absolute best of my ability. Thanks for helping me remember all this.
Sadia, I really love this masha Allah. And I admire the fact that you not only recognized wanting to get your spiritual affairs in order, but then actually went ahead and did it. I remember thinking the world would end, and feeling like I needed to come good with God after years of neglect, but also didn't have the capacity/courage/circumstances to quit work and just put all my time and effort into worship.
I felt a lot of guilt for the fact that I didn't go the traditional route over the years. That my kids go to public school. That I work full time so I can't/don't give them as much religious instruction as I should. That I myself don't do as much sunnah, tahajjud, nafl, quran as I should. But I've also pushed back on the fact that there can only be one way, and leaned into the doing of what I can - increased in my thikr. read more Quran. Talk with the kids and listen to podcasts together. Answer their questions. And then accept that this is where I am, while trying to improve, without overhauling my entire life. Taqqabal Allah from both of us. Aameen.
The pandemic hit just after I had got married, moved countries and fallen pregnant. I was separated from my language, my family, my friends, my career and then going through some of the bigger identity shifts that a woman experiences in a lifetime. The timing was tough, especially considering that the new country was Italy - one of the first countries globally to lock down. I too wonder how the experience would have been different at a different time.
In the last 18 months I've experienced life with two small children in Cape Town - with my language and my friends, in Rome - with all the hustle and bustle, in London - with family, friends and so much to do and now in a very remote area of the Italian countryside. I found moments of feeling intensely isolated in all these places and I think a lot of that is probably just motherhood (with a baby and toddler) in the modern world. However, the experience of that isolation is much easier for me here in the country, surrounded by natural beauty and peaceful quiet than it was in the city. I feel held by nature, whatever I'm feeling. I feel less pressure to be something I'm not. There's a sense that, if I just root down and take things slow, there's space to grow just as I'm meant to. I don't know if that space is there, for me, amidst the concrete. Having said that, I once saw a poppy growing from a crack in the pavement... Anything is possible!
Rahma, first off, I'm so sorry about your pandemic experience. I just want to say I see you and I can't imagine how hard that must have been. Also, I so relate to so much of what you wrote here! My early years with the littles were spent in Montreal, where they were born. I was literally 2.5 hours away from my family and my hometown, but I may as well have been a world away. There were also language differences in that Montreal is primarily French while Ottawa is primarily English, even though both are bilingual.
The early years of parenthood are a SLOG. They need so much to be kept alive, are just so physically demanding. I'll tell anyone and everyone that I didn't sleep for 4 years after my second baby was born. I'll stop strangers and tell them on the street, I was so scarred by the experience. I think you're right that early motherhood in the modern world is just extremely isolating.
I do think that we may be opposites in where we feel less isolation (you in the countryside, me in the city) but I agree with you about the natural beauty and the peaceful quiet.
Noha, This was beautiful. I’m glad you found your way back to a place that suited you better. Your juxtaposition of the family getting in the car with your feelings of isolation during the pandemic was heart-wrenching.
(PS I agree with Sarah Fay’s suggestion of adopting the Literature category. You tell lovely stories, and I think that’s appreciated in that category.)
The first period of time with my family leaving was so devastating, honestly. It took a while to grieve, find new people, not feel abandoned. Coming back to Ottawa and making connections was a huge part of getting over it. I'm so grateful to be in a better place and not feel like such a lost little lamb anymore.
(And thank you for your kind words on the literature category suggestion. I'm also thinking seriously about rebranding the whole site as "Letters from a Muslim Woman" - I know you recently rebranded so I'm going to go take a look at how you did it. Any tips or suggestions for me?
About the new name, I loved the energy of a fresh start. I found it useful to do things in phases. When the time came to post and announce, I was grateful that I had already set up my sections and color scheme - that sort of detail. I had the new About page and photos in a Word doc, ready to copy. I had made a new logo and banner in Canvas, so those were saved and ready to upload on change-day. I set up a discount for paid subscriptions to bridge to 2024, when I had another phase of the restructure to roll out. (I announced interactive things in the year ahead, which have not existed before.)
There were enough things to do that it helped me to have a checklist and get everything done in advance that I could. The day before my change-post, I was very grateful to have so much ready.
With the first post, it's good to get the Note out to as many people as possible. Tagging some of your regular readers and supporters to be sure they see and restack it is a good idea. (Tag me. Tag Sarah Fay.)
For my first post under the new name, I decided not to just issue a prospectus but to write a regular post and let the About page fill people in on the nuts and bolts. Other people might do that differently, but it was U.S. Thanksgiving week, and I had a timely topic. I also wanted to show rather than tell what subscribers could expect of my longer essays. That post was here if it's useful for generating ideas: https://open.substack.com/pub/tarapenry/p/thanksgiving-never-one-thing?r=1mk0zn&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I think you can't go wrong with Prone to Hyperbole (I hear your independence and wit in the current name) or Letters from a Muslim Woman. Both are distinctive and strong. I would say to pick the name that motivates you to write the most. Which one has creativity and joy in it, and your humor and vulnerability and family ... all that you write about? If you find that Prone to Hyperbole sometimes limits you (as Enchanted in America did me), the change is probably right.
Sorry for the long reply. The name change was a big event for me, and there were many little pieces to prepare. I encourage it if you feel it will boost your creativity.
First, it feels good to meet a fellow Substacker who goes the extra mile and records a voiceover for their audience. You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about binning this feature as reading out loud stresses me out given my tendency to make mistakes. Your prose are mellifluous, by the way!
Secondly, the subject of community is a bugbear for me. I live in the back of beyond and as an introvert, don’t make friends easily. Which is to say, I love my solitude but finding friends to have discussions, with this kind of depth, is like finding a needle in a haystack!
Billy, thank you! I found it super stressful too! I've been freaking out about it on Notes with my friend Marc, who also does a lot of recording and whose posts inspired me to try it out 😅...
I totally get you about not having any interest in small talk but just wanting to get to the big, deep conversations. That's where all the meat is! I expect it would be hard to meet new people if you live far from the city and in a less populated area. But, I found people in the countryside more willing to open up and have those deeper conversations faster. So there's that too!
I do a lot of vulnerability around here (am always self conscious about it but never seem to stop heheheh) so you're welcome to stick around. I'm so happy to meet you in this virtual space.
Noha, thank you for the extra effort it took to voice record! I followed along with you and it helped so much to keep my mind focused and attentive.
I’ve definitely tried on different personas. In an effort to fight off the loneliness when I was working remote and had moved to a new city, I pushed myself to be more outgoing and even tried to convince myself I was invigorated by it. I wasn’t, I was glad to be out of my house and head, but it was exhausting. I’m gentler now and more realistic about what I want and need.
The pandemic was a bummer. My husband and I lived in a condo in the suburbs of San Diego, California and only knew one neighbor. I found a local recovery group for friends and family members of alcoholics who were meeting online and they were a lifeline during our weekly meetups. I couldn’t wait to finally meet and hug them in person!
Aside from after my move, I’ve had periods of loneliness throughout my adult life. I moved cities and countries looking for my place and my people and to fill a hole that had always been there. Looking back now, I can laugh at how tenderly my higher power must have thought of me, wandering around the world, searching and feeling so lost, longing for home and guidance when all I had to do was ask for it. Most days I don’t feel lonely and when I do, I can ask for guidance. Sometimes that’s enough, sometimes the instruction is to reach out to someone else who knows my story and can reason things out with me. I don’t have to stay feeling lonely because I’m never alone.
Thanks for asking and for sharing this beautiful story with us!
Katie, thank you so much for sharing your experience!
I think I probably have a whole second essay about getting closer to God through the pandemic, when I couldn't distract myself with things and people and the rest of the noise of the world. (I probably have 10 different essays bouncing around in my head from various pandemic experiences, lol. I should try to write a book and pitch it before it's not timely anymore 😁).
All to say, I completely get where you're coming from. And boy does it make a difference to have him in your corner (I mean, he's always in your corner, but to realize it is the real turning point).
1. We all have many parts of ourselves - which part is your “old self” ?
The pandemic for me was the busiest two years of my private practice . My male cat died of lymphoma , we had a new dog which kept me sane . I was still advocating and educating the whole time and that has never changed . Majdi and I work constantly yet I was thrilled to have him in the same space for the first time in 13 years.
2 next time I have to screen shot your questions . 🙃
It was a delight listening to your voice. I think this new strategy is absolutely love and it makes me feel "closer" to you as a reader. And I feel this may the way forward in a world of AI-Generated content.
Admission: I have to start work so I haven't had the time to listen to all of it yet, but will do so when I go for my lunch walk. Cheers.
Have you ever tried to lean into a different identity? Did it work or did you go back to your “old self”?
I think I've finally leaned into my true self, after a lifetime of trying to be someone else
Did going back to your old self make you feel better or did you feel like you’d failed?
I feel better now!
How was the pandemic for you? Were you in a big city or a smaller town? Did you have a bubble?
On an island! Yes, we had a bubble. We called it a pod. We still do. We had dinner together last night.
Loneliness has become a growing problem in our modern world. Have you dealt with loneliness before? Tell me about it.
I was so, so lonely for so long. Not anymore. The communities here are rich and interwoven. I have never felt so loved and supported.
My experience of the pandemic in a small community was great, but I had already built community. People who came here just before the pandemic and did not have that chance had a much harder time.
John, that's so lovely that you still spend time with your pod. It sounds like after a long, difficult period of loneliness, you've built yourself a wonderful community.
I'm so happy to meet you hear and I've earmarked your newsletter to check it out. What a fascinating premise - mostly water.
I just finished up a post (scheduled for the morning, if you’d like to read it) on my own newsletter thinking back to a one-night trip I took from Boston MA to London, basically (unwittingly) on the eve of the pandemic. How lucky I was to go when I did. The friends I stayed with wanted me to stick around longer... how different things could have been. But this is the life, the reality that we get, or are given as it may be. And I am happy for that. I got here on a winding road but it has made me who I am, and taught me who I am.
Thank you for this lovely reflection. I’m glad you tried something new, and trusted your instincts, both in “leaving” and in “coming back.” I’m glad both settings have been able to mean something to you, and to get you to where you are, and who you are, today.
Nick! Thank you for being here. What a sliding doors situation your story to Boston is. I will definitely take a look - thank you for sharing.
Your sanguine analysis of how life takes us on this road is very wise. I am trying to be more trusting of my path while not being passive about my life, and waking up in 20 years to find that I didn't end up where I wanted to.
This was beautiful ❤️ it’s funny how difficult it is to break through the city mentality of “anything beyond city limits = too far.” Maybe it’s more an issue of metaphorical distance than physical. I, too, am a city girl at heart!
I don't even need a big city, Sam. Just a city 😅😅. Ottawa is considered pretty rinky-dink by big city standards.
And yes, people in Ottawa will get on the highway that runs East West from the farthest point West and drive an hour to the farthest point East without batting an eyelash, but if you ask them to get off the highway and cross a bridge? Ooooooh no can't do that. No sirree!
😂😂 I am starting to see the appeal of smaller cities! Probably for some of the reasons you alluded to in your essay...they have at least some amenities (like coffee shops, which I, like you, need for self-care) but also a sense of community. And I find people in NYC/DC are the same, lol. Some of the suburbs they refuse to go to are so much closer than the other end of the city!
Such a gorgeous essay, Noha. I'm sad to say that I utterly thrived during lockdown (so sorry it was such a nightmare for many). I fully embraced my introverted-ness (I present as an extrovert, but I am so not). I got to exercise every day before work (fortunate to be able to work from home and keep that job), ate everything I bought (nothing went to waste), enjoyed cooking, saw friends (at a social distance), laughed with them through screens and was able to relax (after the initial panic wore off). I long to have life be like that again (totally sans the deadly/life-altering virus, though!). But, just like you saw how the winters differ, we never go back. It's impossible. Forward is the only motion we can take. Just like you have. xo
Sandra, I've never been able to quite nail down whether I was an extrovert or an introvert, but a point for team extrovert would definitely be how I reacted. I'm probably somewhere in the middle of spectrum while you're probably a solid introvert. My younger sister is like you. She THRIVED (except for the fact that her children were suddenly home all the time 🤣)...
I remember calling her and being like I will go stir crazy if I don't see a different human than the three I live with. And she was like, oh I'm... fine?
I'm so fortunate compared to so many. My job switched immediately to online. I didn't miss any pay, we didn't get sick for the first two years. But emotionally, I am sure that I actually became depressed from the isolation. I 100% understand why it was necessary, but I am really glad it's over.
I think we all got a huge lesson in who we innately are during that time, and what's important to us. And it's MY life I want like that again...not forcing it on the rest of the world! LOL. xo
This is a lovely reflection, Noha! I'm glad you shared it with all of us.
I've been grappling a lot as well with thoughts on community, and how best to cultivate it. I used to have a strong-enough network of friends and neighbors in the city I used to live in. Then I moved out to the Atlantic coast in early 2020, and was then quarantined in a smaller town for the rest of the year. Since then I've moved back to the new big city, and I'm completely at a loss as to how to build community. I think it's a muscle, but the pandemic completely shot those skills for me. It's like I've forgotten how to be with people. I'm in the slow, slow process of trying to prioritize that again, and build up a small circle of people that are near me who I care about (and thinking, too, of moving again). Baby steps, i suppose. I hope that you're feeling a tad more connected to community as of late!
It's hard to make friends in adulthood, isn't it? The hooks that we have into other people's schedules fall away when school ends, and unless the people in your office (if you go to an office) are ones you'll fit with, it becomes really tricky. I also think that in generations past, churches and mosques and other activities not tied to productivity and money making were a source of community building. That seems mostly gone or else extremely reduced as our society becomes more and more capitalistic. And it's hard. We're wired for community.
I hope you find groups that work for you - maybe at book stores, or clubs, or volunteering somewhere. I do feel more connected now that I'm back in the city. My kids are part of that hook for me. Their activities keep me meeting people, and then Islamic activities (going to Friday prayers or sermons when I can) are another hook. I really do rely on those hooks because otherwise I eventually feel empty.
Hey! We are literally neighbours; I live in Ottawa, too! Thank you for your reflection. As a white Christian woman who lives near Rideau River (in the riding with the largest per capita Muslim population in Canada!) I can forget that such beautiful diversity - and community easily found - isn’t everywhere. I feel uncomfortable in Chelsea for reasons due to economic class; your essay makes me think about the intersections and distinctions of experience.
Jessica!!! I have been looking for a fellow Ottawa substacker since I got on here last June. This is awesome! Are you in Barrhaven or Riverside South? We lived in Barrhaven before we moved to Chelsea and now we live near Tunney's Pasture. Less diverse than your area but more diverse than Chelsea for sure. I go to Barrhaven often because several of my family members live in the area, and the boys go to Saturday school for Arabic and Religion nearby in Kanata south. So glad to meet you!
The economic class issues in Chelsea are interesting for sure. When I lived there, I found that there were some wealthy people, but there were also a lot of people who'd lived in the village (or in the wider municipality) for a long time and were not necessarily super wealthy. The area had gentrified around them. They often complained about newcomers moving to Chelsea as not really counting as "real" members of the community. Not all of them of course, but enough that it was noticeable.
4. Loneliness - yes I have been struggling with this since I left California for NJ. Those 2-3 years of the pandemic I was not lonely bc Majdi was finally home and I could connect with my friends via zoom. It’s post pandemic that has become a struggle. My husband moved to another country , I have a rat infestation and I had to move to a hotel , my second cat passed and my dog is on her dog family farm bc I live in a hotel. Everyone has families and is wrapped up in their lives. I advocated for myself letting people know “hey , I still live in a hotel and would love to go to invite myself to your house for dinner “ it worked - if we don’t ask we will never know - never assume everyone is aware you are in need . It’s ok to ask for help or dinner .
Noha , this is a very soulful peace. The photos are gorgeous . I can relate to your experience - I was surprised when your sister went back to Turkey - 🇹🇷 haroun #1 was just as shocked .
Is living closer to the Great Lakes actually warmer ?
This was so beautiful, and what wonderful questions to reflect on!
I will confess that as a 50-something woman I am still trying to figure out my identity. Especially now, as my children are all leaving home, I am considering who I will be in this next stage. One thing that I would LIKE to be is more of an extrovert. I am decidedly an introvert, and in that respect the pandemic was somewhat easy for me. We maintained a fairly small bubble (although as a hospital worker my husband obviously had a much larger one). My sister-in-law had just moved back with her family, purchasing a house just 2 blocks from us. We set up our old trampoline in our backyard and on many evenings my brother-in-law would walk over with my two pre-school age nephews so that they could expend some energy and give her a break. That, I think, is what I will remember the most.
As far as loneliness goes, I'm still figuring that one out. The past 5 years have not been kind in that regard. Because I'm such an introvert I can mostly deal with it, but my heart longs for friends to share the joys and struggles of life with.
Your description of your pandemic environment sounds positively idyllic- of course I'm completely skipping over the fact that your husband is a hospital worker and just how much stress that may have caused!
It's so hard to make friends as adults, isn't it? We don't have school or all those hooks that we have when we're younger to connect with people. Deep friendships are so valuable to me and I find it takes so many get togethers/meetings/situations to build up to that. And with the busy-ness of life it's so hard to have that many interactions with someone to build up to that deep friendship.
I'm at the point where I basically befriend people who are ok cutting to that depth as quickly as possible, and who don't mind the hecticness and busy-ness of our lives. We may go months without seeing each other but when we do we just fall right back into it.
I hope you find your people or reconnect with the ones you've lost your connections with.
Noha, this was a beautiful reflection! I loved the images and the passage of time in your essay. For me, I had just left my corporate job two months before the pandemic started and I embraced the “homeschooling mom” identity with two toddlers in tow. I started consulting for a family foundation and took my first writing class. I gave myself permission to get messy. I pulled my kid out of school. I embraced freedom. I met neighbors, made moms friends and started new routines. I hosted virtual Quran khatams and hosted family that died from the pandemic. I took on new responsibilities. I met a huge community online and fell in love with spiritual knowledge and started learning quranic Arabic. I basically wanted to get my spiritual affairs in order when I thought the world was going to end. Let each day be the absolute best of my ability. Thanks for helping me remember all this.
Sadia, I really love this masha Allah. And I admire the fact that you not only recognized wanting to get your spiritual affairs in order, but then actually went ahead and did it. I remember thinking the world would end, and feeling like I needed to come good with God after years of neglect, but also didn't have the capacity/courage/circumstances to quit work and just put all my time and effort into worship.
I felt a lot of guilt for the fact that I didn't go the traditional route over the years. That my kids go to public school. That I work full time so I can't/don't give them as much religious instruction as I should. That I myself don't do as much sunnah, tahajjud, nafl, quran as I should. But I've also pushed back on the fact that there can only be one way, and leaned into the doing of what I can - increased in my thikr. read more Quran. Talk with the kids and listen to podcasts together. Answer their questions. And then accept that this is where I am, while trying to improve, without overhauling my entire life. Taqqabal Allah from both of us. Aameen.
Ameen, if it’s an intention in your heart it will count even if you didn’t actually do it.
It seems those mountains held you when you needed to be held the most, even if it was for a small moment in time. This post was so lovely to read ❤️
They really did! I'm so glad you liked it, Helen. It felt like a goodie as I was getting it down.
The pandemic hit just after I had got married, moved countries and fallen pregnant. I was separated from my language, my family, my friends, my career and then going through some of the bigger identity shifts that a woman experiences in a lifetime. The timing was tough, especially considering that the new country was Italy - one of the first countries globally to lock down. I too wonder how the experience would have been different at a different time.
In the last 18 months I've experienced life with two small children in Cape Town - with my language and my friends, in Rome - with all the hustle and bustle, in London - with family, friends and so much to do and now in a very remote area of the Italian countryside. I found moments of feeling intensely isolated in all these places and I think a lot of that is probably just motherhood (with a baby and toddler) in the modern world. However, the experience of that isolation is much easier for me here in the country, surrounded by natural beauty and peaceful quiet than it was in the city. I feel held by nature, whatever I'm feeling. I feel less pressure to be something I'm not. There's a sense that, if I just root down and take things slow, there's space to grow just as I'm meant to. I don't know if that space is there, for me, amidst the concrete. Having said that, I once saw a poppy growing from a crack in the pavement... Anything is possible!
Rahma, first off, I'm so sorry about your pandemic experience. I just want to say I see you and I can't imagine how hard that must have been. Also, I so relate to so much of what you wrote here! My early years with the littles were spent in Montreal, where they were born. I was literally 2.5 hours away from my family and my hometown, but I may as well have been a world away. There were also language differences in that Montreal is primarily French while Ottawa is primarily English, even though both are bilingual.
The early years of parenthood are a SLOG. They need so much to be kept alive, are just so physically demanding. I'll tell anyone and everyone that I didn't sleep for 4 years after my second baby was born. I'll stop strangers and tell them on the street, I was so scarred by the experience. I think you're right that early motherhood in the modern world is just extremely isolating.
I do think that we may be opposites in where we feel less isolation (you in the countryside, me in the city) but I agree with you about the natural beauty and the peaceful quiet.
Noha, This was beautiful. I’m glad you found your way back to a place that suited you better. Your juxtaposition of the family getting in the car with your feelings of isolation during the pandemic was heart-wrenching.
(PS I agree with Sarah Fay’s suggestion of adopting the Literature category. You tell lovely stories, and I think that’s appreciated in that category.)
Tara, thank you so much!
The first period of time with my family leaving was so devastating, honestly. It took a while to grieve, find new people, not feel abandoned. Coming back to Ottawa and making connections was a huge part of getting over it. I'm so grateful to be in a better place and not feel like such a lost little lamb anymore.
(And thank you for your kind words on the literature category suggestion. I'm also thinking seriously about rebranding the whole site as "Letters from a Muslim Woman" - I know you recently rebranded so I'm going to go take a look at how you did it. Any tips or suggestions for me?
About the new name, I loved the energy of a fresh start. I found it useful to do things in phases. When the time came to post and announce, I was grateful that I had already set up my sections and color scheme - that sort of detail. I had the new About page and photos in a Word doc, ready to copy. I had made a new logo and banner in Canvas, so those were saved and ready to upload on change-day. I set up a discount for paid subscriptions to bridge to 2024, when I had another phase of the restructure to roll out. (I announced interactive things in the year ahead, which have not existed before.)
There were enough things to do that it helped me to have a checklist and get everything done in advance that I could. The day before my change-post, I was very grateful to have so much ready.
With the first post, it's good to get the Note out to as many people as possible. Tagging some of your regular readers and supporters to be sure they see and restack it is a good idea. (Tag me. Tag Sarah Fay.)
For my first post under the new name, I decided not to just issue a prospectus but to write a regular post and let the About page fill people in on the nuts and bolts. Other people might do that differently, but it was U.S. Thanksgiving week, and I had a timely topic. I also wanted to show rather than tell what subscribers could expect of my longer essays. That post was here if it's useful for generating ideas: https://open.substack.com/pub/tarapenry/p/thanksgiving-never-one-thing?r=1mk0zn&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I think you can't go wrong with Prone to Hyperbole (I hear your independence and wit in the current name) or Letters from a Muslim Woman. Both are distinctive and strong. I would say to pick the name that motivates you to write the most. Which one has creativity and joy in it, and your humor and vulnerability and family ... all that you write about? If you find that Prone to Hyperbole sometimes limits you (as Enchanted in America did me), the change is probably right.
Sorry for the long reply. The name change was a big event for me, and there were many little pieces to prepare. I encourage it if you feel it will boost your creativity.
First, it feels good to meet a fellow Substacker who goes the extra mile and records a voiceover for their audience. You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about binning this feature as reading out loud stresses me out given my tendency to make mistakes. Your prose are mellifluous, by the way!
Secondly, the subject of community is a bugbear for me. I live in the back of beyond and as an introvert, don’t make friends easily. Which is to say, I love my solitude but finding friends to have discussions, with this kind of depth, is like finding a needle in a haystack!
Anyway thanks for being vulnerable, I feel seen.
Billy, thank you! I found it super stressful too! I've been freaking out about it on Notes with my friend Marc, who also does a lot of recording and whose posts inspired me to try it out 😅...
I totally get you about not having any interest in small talk but just wanting to get to the big, deep conversations. That's where all the meat is! I expect it would be hard to meet new people if you live far from the city and in a less populated area. But, I found people in the countryside more willing to open up and have those deeper conversations faster. So there's that too!
I do a lot of vulnerability around here (am always self conscious about it but never seem to stop heheheh) so you're welcome to stick around. I'm so happy to meet you in this virtual space.
Noha, thank you for the extra effort it took to voice record! I followed along with you and it helped so much to keep my mind focused and attentive.
I’ve definitely tried on different personas. In an effort to fight off the loneliness when I was working remote and had moved to a new city, I pushed myself to be more outgoing and even tried to convince myself I was invigorated by it. I wasn’t, I was glad to be out of my house and head, but it was exhausting. I’m gentler now and more realistic about what I want and need.
The pandemic was a bummer. My husband and I lived in a condo in the suburbs of San Diego, California and only knew one neighbor. I found a local recovery group for friends and family members of alcoholics who were meeting online and they were a lifeline during our weekly meetups. I couldn’t wait to finally meet and hug them in person!
Aside from after my move, I’ve had periods of loneliness throughout my adult life. I moved cities and countries looking for my place and my people and to fill a hole that had always been there. Looking back now, I can laugh at how tenderly my higher power must have thought of me, wandering around the world, searching and feeling so lost, longing for home and guidance when all I had to do was ask for it. Most days I don’t feel lonely and when I do, I can ask for guidance. Sometimes that’s enough, sometimes the instruction is to reach out to someone else who knows my story and can reason things out with me. I don’t have to stay feeling lonely because I’m never alone.
Thanks for asking and for sharing this beautiful story with us!
Katie, thank you so much for sharing your experience!
I think I probably have a whole second essay about getting closer to God through the pandemic, when I couldn't distract myself with things and people and the rest of the noise of the world. (I probably have 10 different essays bouncing around in my head from various pandemic experiences, lol. I should try to write a book and pitch it before it's not timely anymore 😁).
All to say, I completely get where you're coming from. And boy does it make a difference to have him in your corner (I mean, he's always in your corner, but to realize it is the real turning point).
1. We all have many parts of ourselves - which part is your “old self” ?
The pandemic for me was the busiest two years of my private practice . My male cat died of lymphoma , we had a new dog which kept me sane . I was still advocating and educating the whole time and that has never changed . Majdi and I work constantly yet I was thrilled to have him in the same space for the first time in 13 years.
2 next time I have to screen shot your questions . 🙃
Mary I'm so sorry about the cat. I'm glad it was nice to have Majdi around. I'm so glad I saw you last weekend. 🖤🖤🖤
It was a delight listening to your voice. I think this new strategy is absolutely love and it makes me feel "closer" to you as a reader. And I feel this may the way forward in a world of AI-Generated content.
Admission: I have to start work so I haven't had the time to listen to all of it yet, but will do so when I go for my lunch walk. Cheers.
I’m so glad you like it! Thank you for listening - I was really nervous about recording
Have you ever tried to lean into a different identity? Did it work or did you go back to your “old self”?
I think I've finally leaned into my true self, after a lifetime of trying to be someone else
Did going back to your old self make you feel better or did you feel like you’d failed?
I feel better now!
How was the pandemic for you? Were you in a big city or a smaller town? Did you have a bubble?
On an island! Yes, we had a bubble. We called it a pod. We still do. We had dinner together last night.
Loneliness has become a growing problem in our modern world. Have you dealt with loneliness before? Tell me about it.
I was so, so lonely for so long. Not anymore. The communities here are rich and interwoven. I have never felt so loved and supported.
My experience of the pandemic in a small community was great, but I had already built community. People who came here just before the pandemic and did not have that chance had a much harder time.
John, that's so lovely that you still spend time with your pod. It sounds like after a long, difficult period of loneliness, you've built yourself a wonderful community.
I'm so happy to meet you hear and I've earmarked your newsletter to check it out. What a fascinating premise - mostly water.
Thank you, Noha, and likewise, it's lovely to meet you.
Yes, I write mostly, but not entirely, about water!
I just finished up a post (scheduled for the morning, if you’d like to read it) on my own newsletter thinking back to a one-night trip I took from Boston MA to London, basically (unwittingly) on the eve of the pandemic. How lucky I was to go when I did. The friends I stayed with wanted me to stick around longer... how different things could have been. But this is the life, the reality that we get, or are given as it may be. And I am happy for that. I got here on a winding road but it has made me who I am, and taught me who I am.
Thank you for this lovely reflection. I’m glad you tried something new, and trusted your instincts, both in “leaving” and in “coming back.” I’m glad both settings have been able to mean something to you, and to get you to where you are, and who you are, today.
Nick! Thank you for being here. What a sliding doors situation your story to Boston is. I will definitely take a look - thank you for sharing.
Your sanguine analysis of how life takes us on this road is very wise. I am trying to be more trusting of my path while not being passive about my life, and waking up in 20 years to find that I didn't end up where I wanted to.
This was beautiful ❤️ it’s funny how difficult it is to break through the city mentality of “anything beyond city limits = too far.” Maybe it’s more an issue of metaphorical distance than physical. I, too, am a city girl at heart!
I don't even need a big city, Sam. Just a city 😅😅. Ottawa is considered pretty rinky-dink by big city standards.
And yes, people in Ottawa will get on the highway that runs East West from the farthest point West and drive an hour to the farthest point East without batting an eyelash, but if you ask them to get off the highway and cross a bridge? Ooooooh no can't do that. No sirree!
😂😂 I am starting to see the appeal of smaller cities! Probably for some of the reasons you alluded to in your essay...they have at least some amenities (like coffee shops, which I, like you, need for self-care) but also a sense of community. And I find people in NYC/DC are the same, lol. Some of the suburbs they refuse to go to are so much closer than the other end of the city!
Such a gorgeous essay, Noha. I'm sad to say that I utterly thrived during lockdown (so sorry it was such a nightmare for many). I fully embraced my introverted-ness (I present as an extrovert, but I am so not). I got to exercise every day before work (fortunate to be able to work from home and keep that job), ate everything I bought (nothing went to waste), enjoyed cooking, saw friends (at a social distance), laughed with them through screens and was able to relax (after the initial panic wore off). I long to have life be like that again (totally sans the deadly/life-altering virus, though!). But, just like you saw how the winters differ, we never go back. It's impossible. Forward is the only motion we can take. Just like you have. xo
Sandra, I've never been able to quite nail down whether I was an extrovert or an introvert, but a point for team extrovert would definitely be how I reacted. I'm probably somewhere in the middle of spectrum while you're probably a solid introvert. My younger sister is like you. She THRIVED (except for the fact that her children were suddenly home all the time 🤣)...
I remember calling her and being like I will go stir crazy if I don't see a different human than the three I live with. And she was like, oh I'm... fine?
I'm so fortunate compared to so many. My job switched immediately to online. I didn't miss any pay, we didn't get sick for the first two years. But emotionally, I am sure that I actually became depressed from the isolation. I 100% understand why it was necessary, but I am really glad it's over.
I think we all got a huge lesson in who we innately are during that time, and what's important to us. And it's MY life I want like that again...not forcing it on the rest of the world! LOL. xo
Absolutely, and whew!
This is a lovely reflection, Noha! I'm glad you shared it with all of us.
I've been grappling a lot as well with thoughts on community, and how best to cultivate it. I used to have a strong-enough network of friends and neighbors in the city I used to live in. Then I moved out to the Atlantic coast in early 2020, and was then quarantined in a smaller town for the rest of the year. Since then I've moved back to the new big city, and I'm completely at a loss as to how to build community. I think it's a muscle, but the pandemic completely shot those skills for me. It's like I've forgotten how to be with people. I'm in the slow, slow process of trying to prioritize that again, and build up a small circle of people that are near me who I care about (and thinking, too, of moving again). Baby steps, i suppose. I hope that you're feeling a tad more connected to community as of late!
It's hard to make friends in adulthood, isn't it? The hooks that we have into other people's schedules fall away when school ends, and unless the people in your office (if you go to an office) are ones you'll fit with, it becomes really tricky. I also think that in generations past, churches and mosques and other activities not tied to productivity and money making were a source of community building. That seems mostly gone or else extremely reduced as our society becomes more and more capitalistic. And it's hard. We're wired for community.
I hope you find groups that work for you - maybe at book stores, or clubs, or volunteering somewhere. I do feel more connected now that I'm back in the city. My kids are part of that hook for me. Their activities keep me meeting people, and then Islamic activities (going to Friday prayers or sermons when I can) are another hook. I really do rely on those hooks because otherwise I eventually feel empty.
Hey! We are literally neighbours; I live in Ottawa, too! Thank you for your reflection. As a white Christian woman who lives near Rideau River (in the riding with the largest per capita Muslim population in Canada!) I can forget that such beautiful diversity - and community easily found - isn’t everywhere. I feel uncomfortable in Chelsea for reasons due to economic class; your essay makes me think about the intersections and distinctions of experience.
Jessica!!! I have been looking for a fellow Ottawa substacker since I got on here last June. This is awesome! Are you in Barrhaven or Riverside South? We lived in Barrhaven before we moved to Chelsea and now we live near Tunney's Pasture. Less diverse than your area but more diverse than Chelsea for sure. I go to Barrhaven often because several of my family members live in the area, and the boys go to Saturday school for Arabic and Religion nearby in Kanata south. So glad to meet you!
The economic class issues in Chelsea are interesting for sure. When I lived there, I found that there were some wealthy people, but there were also a lot of people who'd lived in the village (or in the wider municipality) for a long time and were not necessarily super wealthy. The area had gentrified around them. They often complained about newcomers moving to Chelsea as not really counting as "real" members of the community. Not all of them of course, but enough that it was noticeable.
Ugh. To be from 'away' ...
I'm in Riverside Park, off Walkley between Bank and Riverside. Would love to connect for coffee sometime, if you feel comfortable doing so!
Yes! For sure. So you're south central rather than south west. Let's definitely do it. Maybe February...
I’ll send you an email!
I would love that!
4. Loneliness - yes I have been struggling with this since I left California for NJ. Those 2-3 years of the pandemic I was not lonely bc Majdi was finally home and I could connect with my friends via zoom. It’s post pandemic that has become a struggle. My husband moved to another country , I have a rat infestation and I had to move to a hotel , my second cat passed and my dog is on her dog family farm bc I live in a hotel. Everyone has families and is wrapped up in their lives. I advocated for myself letting people know “hey , I still live in a hotel and would love to go to invite myself to your house for dinner “ it worked - if we don’t ask we will never know - never assume everyone is aware you are in need . It’s ok to ask for help or dinner .
Noha , this is a very soulful peace. The photos are gorgeous . I can relate to your experience - I was surprised when your sister went back to Turkey - 🇹🇷 haroun #1 was just as shocked .
Is living closer to the Great Lakes actually warmer ?
This was so beautiful, and what wonderful questions to reflect on!
I will confess that as a 50-something woman I am still trying to figure out my identity. Especially now, as my children are all leaving home, I am considering who I will be in this next stage. One thing that I would LIKE to be is more of an extrovert. I am decidedly an introvert, and in that respect the pandemic was somewhat easy for me. We maintained a fairly small bubble (although as a hospital worker my husband obviously had a much larger one). My sister-in-law had just moved back with her family, purchasing a house just 2 blocks from us. We set up our old trampoline in our backyard and on many evenings my brother-in-law would walk over with my two pre-school age nephews so that they could expend some energy and give her a break. That, I think, is what I will remember the most.
As far as loneliness goes, I'm still figuring that one out. The past 5 years have not been kind in that regard. Because I'm such an introvert I can mostly deal with it, but my heart longs for friends to share the joys and struggles of life with.
Rea! I am so glad you enjoyed it, welcome!
Your description of your pandemic environment sounds positively idyllic- of course I'm completely skipping over the fact that your husband is a hospital worker and just how much stress that may have caused!
It's so hard to make friends as adults, isn't it? We don't have school or all those hooks that we have when we're younger to connect with people. Deep friendships are so valuable to me and I find it takes so many get togethers/meetings/situations to build up to that. And with the busy-ness of life it's so hard to have that many interactions with someone to build up to that deep friendship.
I'm at the point where I basically befriend people who are ok cutting to that depth as quickly as possible, and who don't mind the hecticness and busy-ness of our lives. We may go months without seeing each other but when we do we just fall right back into it.
I hope you find your people or reconnect with the ones you've lost your connections with.