I actually think I need to tap into my anger more often. There is much to be angry about. And pretending there isn’t is a certain kind of self torture. Plus, anger expressed clearly and purposely can be very useful.
I agree, Holly. I like to think of anger as a signal. If you ignore it, the noise just keeps increasing and then you are "clogged up" and the light can't get through.
I think I wrote about righteous anger at some point recently (a few months ago?)
Also, I discovered that the anger was more intense the more I tried to shove it down, and that when I gave myself permission to really feel it, it actually passed through me more quickly.
Love this, Noha. You're inspiring me to get back into a morning pages habit. I actually find I sometimes write best when I'm really angry? Ha. Maybe it's something about the urgency.
Thanks Alicia! For me I think it was the being up early and having no filter yet. And I hear you about sometimes writing best when angry. My piece from February, to the Dem supporters asking if we're happy now - that one came from such deep rage and I think it's my second most shared piece...
The Morning Pages anger has mostly subsided now but this morning I found myself having a hilarious fight with an imaginary critic - the whole exercise has been freeing and certainly illuminating.
I was SO resistant to feeling it and literally needed my therapist to give me permission to keep writing about the feeling. Magically once I gave myself permission, guess what happened? It went away!
Journaling is hard! I don't know how long I'll keep it up because I am struggling to write anything else since I've started, but at the same time it's been so useful in a therapeutic way I may have to stick to it and trust that the creativity gains will come.
I'm almost offended by how helpful it's been lol...
I’ve tried different methods. I did video journaling when I was pregnant but sitting and writing about my day I’ve just struggled to make it a habit. I do like taking lots of photos and videos though. I love that it’s been helpful for you!! Sometimes the therapists be onto something 🤣
I have been having so much anger come up recently. Used to do morning pages and sometimes still do, did this morning and thought of you. And it was full of anger. You’re not alone.
This morning is the first one I've missed since I started (so 12 or 13 days now, I think?)
But it's fascinating that the anger is so much more palpable first thing in the morning. I suspect it's because we haven't gotten far enough into our default state of the day to just push it down...
That makes so much sense! It’s raw when we’re just waking up and haven’t interacted yet with others! Makes me wonder what that says about our sleep, and what our bodies are doing during it…. Like unwinding the defaults…. Then they pop back in?
If I can examine it in a poem, rage becomes less of a toxic grievance. If I can take some specific political action that helps move forward understanding or civil disobedience that obstructs in a meaningful way, even better.
I think what I'm afraid of is the whole toxic grievance part, which is why I often avoid expressing my rage. but if I don't even look at it, it risks becoming a festering wound. The action is valuable. I agree with your statement - can I channel that rage in a meaningful way? if yes, then this is the best choice.
I have to consciously try not to get into a grievance loop, as it ultimately does not serve me or anyone else. What can I shine a light on after understanding a part of what is enraging me? What do I need to know better? Who around me has broken away from grievance, yet is not disengaged? There is a piece I wrote for a forthcoming anthology that had an image that until it was written, I didn't realize still enraged me.
I don't think I've heard the term "grievance loop" but my God is it ever apt! And I really like the idea of breaking away from grievance vs. disengaging with feelings in general. This is another place where I struggle and am working to find balance. Would love to hear more about the anthology piece.
Part of the thinking is that old Zen observation about stepping out of the river, not fighting the current. As an adoptee, I have now lost both sets of parents (careless, I know!) This is forthcoming in the Vagabond anthology Depose: An Anthology of working class solidarity, with the format adjusted:
TO PUT DOWN
“We are servers, not servants.”
Mary Ann M. (1928 - 1986)
That silent December morning
the sky broke open, snowflakes
the size of butterflies dropped
on her mourners huddled in a tent.
At the visitation the night before
the restauranteur of white tablecloths
and Lithuanian duck had sent
flowers arranged in a tea service
for her head waitress, the shop steward.
“Bitch, it's her night off”
was not screamed as the visiting
second assistant pastor mingled
among the remains of the family.
That father who had raised me once said
it was good to think of college
get a job where you didn’t wear
a uniform or work with your hands.
Respect. People had a right
to look down on me; I
didn’t finish high school.
No, I pushed back at the 62-year-old
who had walked the USW strike line
every other day for two years
to keep retiree health care and pensions.
The company then sold and resold
pensions passed to a failing government agency
and retiree healthcare policies stopped
a month after his own death.
The flag of the dignity of work
gets raised as a distraction from
the indignity of teetering on the edge
of the maw of wage disparity and
unsafe working conditions
no fair funding for higher education
or trade schools, the redlining
of small business capital.
We demand to work with dignity.
Certification: This poem was not written by a replicant.
This poet worker reserves the right to be fully human
It’s hard to do that artfully; most people do that more practically or with their thinking mind rather than their creative one. I admire the way you did this ☺️
Thank you for sharing some of your morning pages with us. That can be a vulnerable thing to do.
I don't have an easy relationship with anger. In my family, it was often suppressed and came out in weird ways so I didn't have any examples of how to express it in healthy ways. Also I've been told I'm a 9 on the Enneagram, so I can be an awesome diplomat and mediator but have also struggled with conflict avoidance my whole life. I'm learning how to recognize anger when it arises in me and be open to what I need to learn from it.
Oh I have to just say that these weren't the actual morning pages but a poem about writing my morning pages. I am trying to follow Julia Cameron's rules closely and not share the morning pages with anyone (although I did find myself breaking the rules to read my sister a couple of pages to describe something specific last week.)
So your description of how you relate to anger is SO familiar. Conflict avoidance? Check! Mediator? Check!
I don't want anger to take me over and that's what I'm always so afraid of, but I think it's a feeling that needs to be understood and have its root cause sussed out, just like anything else. Being open to what you need to learn from it makes the most sense to me too.
Prophet Muhammad, in response to a request for advice, said "Do not get angry". This ended up giving me the sense that anger was just a faux pas to be avoided at all costs, but the statement, like so many other teachings of his, cannot be taken in isolation. We see other times in his life and in his teachings where someone came to him angry about an injustice, and he didn't simply tell them to banish their anger. He dealt with the injustice. And we see other times where his companions expressed righteous rage in the face of larger injustices.
I think the lesson is tied to where the anger comes from. Does it stem from an injured ego (nafs, in the Muslim parlance)? If yes, this is the kind of anger we try not to act on. But anger is not definitively wrong. It's unchecked anger that we have to worry about...
I think I definitely tend to internalise anger and it stifles my creativity in the sense that I am frustrated that I can’t make art that reflects the level of my anger. However, the hope that comes through in its place is maybe more useful, at least to me....
Kirsten, I think I was doing this too and not even aware of it. It took morning pages to realize there was even any anger to stifle, I think because the fact that I was doing them first thing in the morning meant that there was no filter up for me yet.
First I was very surprised by the anger, and then I was scared I couldn't lock it away safely, and then, when I stopped trying to push it away and gave myself permission to feel it, it dissipated. Seems obvious and yet it was profound in a very personal way.
Noha, your poem took me to where I needed to go to think about my anger. My anger is so well muffled that I had to search to find the real anger. But there is lots of it, now that I have looked. It has had to be contained, for fear of what I might do with it and what that would do to me in repercussion. Now I will try to find time to look at my anger and put it to better use. I thank you for that. You and your poem are a gift today. Thank you.
Oh Sandy, that description of having to contain it is familiar… I think we judge ourselves so harshly. I hope you manage to look at it and really see what it’s trying to tell you. Much love.
First off, I'm loving that the Morning Pages exercises are helping you tap this font of creative rage. Those damn things haven't survived this long with so many new and recurring practitioners for nothing!
This poem is really something, Noha. Thank you for being brave enough to write it down and bold enough to share it here. I'm convinced that one of the reasons we are so tormented, globally, is the lack of sufficient outlets for the anger we feel. Instead of directing it toward the power- and money-hungry policy influencers, we are quick to target scapegoat du jour. It infuriates me how easily and predictably we fall for that crap, over and over and over!
Oof. I might be projecting a little too hard here.
Thank you for your work, and especially for these lines:
I'm glad you could relate to my poem. This poem is the result of my frustration with so many things, and when i wrote it, i didn't think there'd be many people who can relate to it. I've only heard James Baldwin's name, but haven't read any of his works.
Great, read my poem and let me know what you think of it. It's ok you can write in English and expand your grammar and vocabulary knowledge in French and Arabic by practicing reading (Don't forget to use Leitner Box or Anki for memorizing these vocabularies).
I read it, Negar! The shame about certain things is so personal and yet so relatable!! Isn't that the way? That we feel like we're the only ones struggling with something and then we read and discover oh this is a nearly universal experience? I think there's a James Baldwin quote about that.
Oh gosh I think your frustrations perfectly encapsulate what the pages are for--you slough off the junk, (I think of it a lot as the green film on a pond) all the places you've been a little dishonest--and then you see yourself under that dulled surface, so clear and so pure. It takes time, though, and repetition. The junk piles up hard and fast.
what's interesting is that I am much less angry this week. I had a build up of the junk as you said, some of it from the world and a lot of it from where I've reacted in a way not aligned with my own goals and values, and then I could see myself, as you say, underneath.
I haven't had a huge creative rush as a result, but I have felt better from a therapeutic perspective. My hope is that over the time and repetition and the honesty with myself that builds up, it does eventually translate to more creativity...
1. Lately i've been angry about so many things, and sometimes it seems it shackles me in a way i can't get out of it. However, as much as possible, i try to become aware of it sooner and not let myself get shackled by it.
2. I used to journal for some time, but lately no. I even used to journal in both Persian and English, in Persian only, and in English only. Despite the fact that these helped me become aware of what was going in my mind, they weren't motivating enough to help me change some of my behaviors, and that's why i quit writing them. Lately, i've realized that poetry can be an alternative for me (You can ask me if you're interested).
Negar, I know what you mean regarding the anger. I think the reason I try to avoid feeling it is because of not wanting to be shackled by it, as you described. It's such a tightrope for me though. When I avoid it and push it down, I end up getting more and more resentful. I think the way you've said about being aware of what's making you angry but then not letting it take you over is probably the secret. I was pushing it down before naming it and that was not letting the anger pass through.
I am definitely curious about how poetry is an alternative for you - tell me more!
And what a blessing to be fluent enough that you could journal in both Persian and in English. I can write Arabic and French as well as English, but certainly not with the level of fluency that would be required for introspective journaling...
Noha, about anger, i was like you once, i'd tried to suppress it as much as possible, to the point that i did it subconsciously. Doing this worked for years, but finally "it rained down ...".
I'm a recovering perfectionist, and when it comes to writing prose, i could see my perfectionism there, so i turned to poetry. For now, i've written a poem titled "I'm ashamed", and have divided it into four parts, which i share here on Substack every Sunday. My reason for choosing poetry was that i believe in writing a poem one doesn't need to think about its embellishment. About fluency, i wanna say that you can switch from one language to another whenever you want. Why? Because in describing sth, one's usually more comfortable with one language (In my case, i was more comfortable with Persian when it came to using literary language, and not English. You must find that preference for yourself).
Well now I need to go read the poem! I'm a recovering people pleaser so I can relate to the recovering.
In Arabic and French, my fluency is limited and so is my vocabulary. I like the idea of switching any time I need to. I do this in my speech but don't think to do it in my writing.
“How many hours do you give
to this world that dulls your soul”? too many
I actually think I need to tap into my anger more often. There is much to be angry about. And pretending there isn’t is a certain kind of self torture. Plus, anger expressed clearly and purposely can be very useful.
Love this poem.
I agree, Holly. I like to think of anger as a signal. If you ignore it, the noise just keeps increasing and then you are "clogged up" and the light can't get through.
I think I wrote about righteous anger at some point recently (a few months ago?)
Also, I discovered that the anger was more intense the more I tried to shove it down, and that when I gave myself permission to really feel it, it actually passed through me more quickly.
Love this, Noha. You're inspiring me to get back into a morning pages habit. I actually find I sometimes write best when I'm really angry? Ha. Maybe it's something about the urgency.
Thanks Alicia! For me I think it was the being up early and having no filter yet. And I hear you about sometimes writing best when angry. My piece from February, to the Dem supporters asking if we're happy now - that one came from such deep rage and I think it's my second most shared piece...
The Morning Pages anger has mostly subsided now but this morning I found myself having a hilarious fight with an imaginary critic - the whole exercise has been freeing and certainly illuminating.
That was such a good one! And lol to fighting your imaginary critic. Let that anger out!
It was hilarious.. I was actually kind of giggling even as I did it.
Just started my morning pages this morning!! Your post inspired me to finally start the book and the work. ❤️
Yay way to go!!
I do let myself feel anger it is, I’ve found, the best way to move through it. I don’t journal every attempt I’ve made has stopped. 😭
I was SO resistant to feeling it and literally needed my therapist to give me permission to keep writing about the feeling. Magically once I gave myself permission, guess what happened? It went away!
Journaling is hard! I don't know how long I'll keep it up because I am struggling to write anything else since I've started, but at the same time it's been so useful in a therapeutic way I may have to stick to it and trust that the creativity gains will come.
I'm almost offended by how helpful it's been lol...
I’ve tried different methods. I did video journaling when I was pregnant but sitting and writing about my day I’ve just struggled to make it a habit. I do like taking lots of photos and videos though. I love that it’s been helpful for you!! Sometimes the therapists be onto something 🤣
I have been having so much anger come up recently. Used to do morning pages and sometimes still do, did this morning and thought of you. And it was full of anger. You’re not alone.
This morning is the first one I've missed since I started (so 12 or 13 days now, I think?)
But it's fascinating that the anger is so much more palpable first thing in the morning. I suspect it's because we haven't gotten far enough into our default state of the day to just push it down...
That makes so much sense! It’s raw when we’re just waking up and haven’t interacted yet with others! Makes me wonder what that says about our sleep, and what our bodies are doing during it…. Like unwinding the defaults…. Then they pop back in?
Feels like we’re all just trying to find our groove while carrying that weight of “what could’ve been.”
If I can examine it in a poem, rage becomes less of a toxic grievance. If I can take some specific political action that helps move forward understanding or civil disobedience that obstructs in a meaningful way, even better.
I think what I'm afraid of is the whole toxic grievance part, which is why I often avoid expressing my rage. but if I don't even look at it, it risks becoming a festering wound. The action is valuable. I agree with your statement - can I channel that rage in a meaningful way? if yes, then this is the best choice.
I have to consciously try not to get into a grievance loop, as it ultimately does not serve me or anyone else. What can I shine a light on after understanding a part of what is enraging me? What do I need to know better? Who around me has broken away from grievance, yet is not disengaged? There is a piece I wrote for a forthcoming anthology that had an image that until it was written, I didn't realize still enraged me.
I don't think I've heard the term "grievance loop" but my God is it ever apt! And I really like the idea of breaking away from grievance vs. disengaging with feelings in general. This is another place where I struggle and am working to find balance. Would love to hear more about the anthology piece.
Part of the thinking is that old Zen observation about stepping out of the river, not fighting the current. As an adoptee, I have now lost both sets of parents (careless, I know!) This is forthcoming in the Vagabond anthology Depose: An Anthology of working class solidarity, with the format adjusted:
TO PUT DOWN
“We are servers, not servants.”
Mary Ann M. (1928 - 1986)
That silent December morning
the sky broke open, snowflakes
the size of butterflies dropped
on her mourners huddled in a tent.
At the visitation the night before
the restauranteur of white tablecloths
and Lithuanian duck had sent
flowers arranged in a tea service
for her head waitress, the shop steward.
“Bitch, it's her night off”
was not screamed as the visiting
second assistant pastor mingled
among the remains of the family.
That father who had raised me once said
it was good to think of college
get a job where you didn’t wear
a uniform or work with your hands.
Respect. People had a right
to look down on me; I
didn’t finish high school.
No, I pushed back at the 62-year-old
who had walked the USW strike line
every other day for two years
to keep retiree health care and pensions.
The company then sold and resold
pensions passed to a failing government agency
and retiree healthcare policies stopped
a month after his own death.
The flag of the dignity of work
gets raised as a distraction from
the indignity of teetering on the edge
of the maw of wage disparity and
unsafe working conditions
no fair funding for higher education
or trade schools, the redlining
of small business capital.
We demand to work with dignity.
Certification: This poem was not written by a replicant.
This poet worker reserves the right to be fully human
and sourced from proud people of hue. ###
“How many hours do you give
to this world that dulls your soul”
The whole poem is poignant, but this line hit me in the gut. Haunting and beautiful.
Thanks Amy! Yeah I was kind of challenging myself about what I say my priorities are and where I actually spend my time.
It’s hard to do that artfully; most people do that more practically or with their thinking mind rather than their creative one. I admire the way you did this ☺️
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing some of your morning pages with us. That can be a vulnerable thing to do.
I don't have an easy relationship with anger. In my family, it was often suppressed and came out in weird ways so I didn't have any examples of how to express it in healthy ways. Also I've been told I'm a 9 on the Enneagram, so I can be an awesome diplomat and mediator but have also struggled with conflict avoidance my whole life. I'm learning how to recognize anger when it arises in me and be open to what I need to learn from it.
Oh I have to just say that these weren't the actual morning pages but a poem about writing my morning pages. I am trying to follow Julia Cameron's rules closely and not share the morning pages with anyone (although I did find myself breaking the rules to read my sister a couple of pages to describe something specific last week.)
So your description of how you relate to anger is SO familiar. Conflict avoidance? Check! Mediator? Check!
I don't want anger to take me over and that's what I'm always so afraid of, but I think it's a feeling that needs to be understood and have its root cause sussed out, just like anything else. Being open to what you need to learn from it makes the most sense to me too.
Yes, anger has so much to teach us! In Tibetan Buddhism, there are wrathful deities like Mahakala, who actually help us to overcome the three poisons (greed, hatred, and delusion). Every emotions has a place! https://education.asianart.org/resources/peaceful-and-wrathful-deities/
So interesting!
Prophet Muhammad, in response to a request for advice, said "Do not get angry". This ended up giving me the sense that anger was just a faux pas to be avoided at all costs, but the statement, like so many other teachings of his, cannot be taken in isolation. We see other times in his life and in his teachings where someone came to him angry about an injustice, and he didn't simply tell them to banish their anger. He dealt with the injustice. And we see other times where his companions expressed righteous rage in the face of larger injustices.
I think the lesson is tied to where the anger comes from. Does it stem from an injured ego (nafs, in the Muslim parlance)? If yes, this is the kind of anger we try not to act on. But anger is not definitively wrong. It's unchecked anger that we have to worry about...
yes! I love that. Thank you for sharing some of the teachings and context for anger from Islam. I find this all so fascinating!
Me too! I could talk about this all day! It all comes to balance.
Beautiful poem, Noha.
I think I definitely tend to internalise anger and it stifles my creativity in the sense that I am frustrated that I can’t make art that reflects the level of my anger. However, the hope that comes through in its place is maybe more useful, at least to me....
Kirsten, I think I was doing this too and not even aware of it. It took morning pages to realize there was even any anger to stifle, I think because the fact that I was doing them first thing in the morning meant that there was no filter up for me yet.
First I was very surprised by the anger, and then I was scared I couldn't lock it away safely, and then, when I stopped trying to push it away and gave myself permission to feel it, it dissipated. Seems obvious and yet it was profound in a very personal way.
Noha, your poem took me to where I needed to go to think about my anger. My anger is so well muffled that I had to search to find the real anger. But there is lots of it, now that I have looked. It has had to be contained, for fear of what I might do with it and what that would do to me in repercussion. Now I will try to find time to look at my anger and put it to better use. I thank you for that. You and your poem are a gift today. Thank you.
Oh Sandy, that description of having to contain it is familiar… I think we judge ourselves so harshly. I hope you manage to look at it and really see what it’s trying to tell you. Much love.
Looking forward to reading more of your writing. You are appreciated!
Thank you! How kind.
First off, I'm loving that the Morning Pages exercises are helping you tap this font of creative rage. Those damn things haven't survived this long with so many new and recurring practitioners for nothing!
This poem is really something, Noha. Thank you for being brave enough to write it down and bold enough to share it here. I'm convinced that one of the reasons we are so tormented, globally, is the lack of sufficient outlets for the anger we feel. Instead of directing it toward the power- and money-hungry policy influencers, we are quick to target scapegoat du jour. It infuriates me how easily and predictably we fall for that crap, over and over and over!
Oof. I might be projecting a little too hard here.
Thank you for your work, and especially for these lines:
"Do you ever wake up
with a list in your mind
of all the ways you didn’t keep your promises
not even to yourself"
I'm glad you could relate to my poem. This poem is the result of my frustration with so many things, and when i wrote it, i didn't think there'd be many people who can relate to it. I've only heard James Baldwin's name, but haven't read any of his works.
Great, read my poem and let me know what you think of it. It's ok you can write in English and expand your grammar and vocabulary knowledge in French and Arabic by practicing reading (Don't forget to use Leitner Box or Anki for memorizing these vocabularies).
I read it, Negar! The shame about certain things is so personal and yet so relatable!! Isn't that the way? That we feel like we're the only ones struggling with something and then we read and discover oh this is a nearly universal experience? I think there's a James Baldwin quote about that.
Oh gosh I think your frustrations perfectly encapsulate what the pages are for--you slough off the junk, (I think of it a lot as the green film on a pond) all the places you've been a little dishonest--and then you see yourself under that dulled surface, so clear and so pure. It takes time, though, and repetition. The junk piles up hard and fast.
what's interesting is that I am much less angry this week. I had a build up of the junk as you said, some of it from the world and a lot of it from where I've reacted in a way not aligned with my own goals and values, and then I could see myself, as you say, underneath.
I haven't had a huge creative rush as a result, but I have felt better from a therapeutic perspective. My hope is that over the time and repetition and the honesty with myself that builds up, it does eventually translate to more creativity...
1. Lately i've been angry about so many things, and sometimes it seems it shackles me in a way i can't get out of it. However, as much as possible, i try to become aware of it sooner and not let myself get shackled by it.
2. I used to journal for some time, but lately no. I even used to journal in both Persian and English, in Persian only, and in English only. Despite the fact that these helped me become aware of what was going in my mind, they weren't motivating enough to help me change some of my behaviors, and that's why i quit writing them. Lately, i've realized that poetry can be an alternative for me (You can ask me if you're interested).
Negar, I know what you mean regarding the anger. I think the reason I try to avoid feeling it is because of not wanting to be shackled by it, as you described. It's such a tightrope for me though. When I avoid it and push it down, I end up getting more and more resentful. I think the way you've said about being aware of what's making you angry but then not letting it take you over is probably the secret. I was pushing it down before naming it and that was not letting the anger pass through.
I am definitely curious about how poetry is an alternative for you - tell me more!
And what a blessing to be fluent enough that you could journal in both Persian and in English. I can write Arabic and French as well as English, but certainly not with the level of fluency that would be required for introspective journaling...
Noha, about anger, i was like you once, i'd tried to suppress it as much as possible, to the point that i did it subconsciously. Doing this worked for years, but finally "it rained down ...".
I'm a recovering perfectionist, and when it comes to writing prose, i could see my perfectionism there, so i turned to poetry. For now, i've written a poem titled "I'm ashamed", and have divided it into four parts, which i share here on Substack every Sunday. My reason for choosing poetry was that i believe in writing a poem one doesn't need to think about its embellishment. About fluency, i wanna say that you can switch from one language to another whenever you want. Why? Because in describing sth, one's usually more comfortable with one language (In my case, i was more comfortable with Persian when it came to using literary language, and not English. You must find that preference for yourself).
Well now I need to go read the poem! I'm a recovering people pleaser so I can relate to the recovering.
In Arabic and French, my fluency is limited and so is my vocabulary. I like the idea of switching any time I need to. I do this in my speech but don't think to do it in my writing.