About 10 days ago, a very cool thing happened to me, followed almost immediately by an awful thing. We’ll start with the good news. I woke up on Saturday morning to discover that my essay about anxiety had been featured in the most recent issue of Substack Reads
Yes…there WILL always be one more thing. Because the argument isn’t logical. It isn’t historical. It isn’t grounded in any sort of reality. It’s emotional. It’s “I don’t like you because…” and its always ultimately because you’re different, in their minds. It’s the difference that they can’t handle, that makes them uncomfortable. So the problem is in their mind. It’s them.
I can’t stand this kind of bullying…I heard it too often as a teacher and I have no patience for it from adults.
Leah, I love the way you described this! The problem *is* in their minds. This is a good way to think about it and will hopefully keep me in check the next time my people pleasing tendencies kick in with a hateful person.
My blood *BOILED* reading that comment, and I DO.NOT.KNOW how you did it all with such grace. It's good you did not reply and I am so happy I came across this essay. I will be saving it to re-read when the time comes (which we all know it will because there will always be that person) and for I need a reminder of how to face such challenges. I also love that you and Marc Typo lean on each other <3 because I love his newsletter too. And on that note, I am reminded that there are a lot of people here who are just cool AF and that's what I need to cling to. Sending you lots of love.
Thanks Naz! I feel that rage and my blood was boiling too... It's too bad that we know it will happen again. Ugh. I actually felt it in my body when I read the comments and then it just STAYED in me. I didn't feel lighter until I wrote this piece, and then the fog lifted. Isn't it incredible how the body keeps the score?
Marc is awesome! One of my favourite things on here is meeting all the awesome people who are here. There are so many! It's literally been life changing. Receiving your love and sending you lots back.
Oof, I feel that rage boiling and I’m so glad that writing your response (to us! Not to her!) is what lifted it. I love that you chose your audience. That seems like self-care AND justice. I know that your sharing stokes my fire of outrage and inspires me to be and do better. While writing anything to her, and having to twist yourself in knots to figure out what and how to write - would likely drain you yet fuel her fire of hate, which could never be fed enough anyway. Better to stand and dance in your own shape, and build your fire - and ours! - back up! Thank you for being you.
It's a side point, but when you initially spoke about media representation, and then shared this awful response, I thought about the fact that you write on the internet. Substack is not a nation state or a racial demographic. Those of us reading conent in English are linked only by the language. Physically we are all over the place. You could literally take yourself to Egypt and live there forever and still want to increase the representation of real-life Muslims, in their own words, on the English-speaking section of the internet.
You held your ground with such poise and grace Noha. The poignancy and wisdom in face of vitriol and hate is the true spirit of civil disobedience. You wield your words like weapons Noha and the rest will fall into place. So happy to see this post in response to those banal racial lies. It’s absolutely necessary to not engage with hate comments.
Thank you so much, Swarnali. I really appreciate this. I have to tell you that I really did consider engaging. I know in theory that I shouldn't, but somehow, every time I'm faced with a situation in practice, online anyway, I get sucked back into the "oh, maybe I misunderstood. I should talk to them" thinking. I credit my friend Marc, who has been instrumental in reminding me not to fall into it, not to waste my time and energy. I'm really glad I didn't.
Marc is a true friend Noha. I am so glad he stepped in to prevent you from waddling into the murky waters of debating with hate. Hate knows no logic and the instigation is based on aggression rather a space of understanding. I know from my personal experience online (and the wrong decision to engage) that such engagement drains all the enthusiasm and energy out of you and perhaps that was the primary motivate of the commentator afterall.
Never let them prevent you from doing your work. Never. The only best response to hate is detached observation and rightly sharing it later in a forum where you will be listened. Brava for doing the right thing!
I'm sorry someone even talked to you that way. You belong wherever it is you exist. I'm a white woman and yet I'm still constantly told to go back to where I came from, because I'm a liberal in a red state. I don't know why these people are so scared. They insist they are not scared, but I think their bigotry is fear based at the core.
I think you're right, MaryClare. I think it comes from fear too. It's funny because someone did call her Islamophobic in the comments (before I blocked her) and she came back with "I'm not Islamophobic! I'm not afraid of anything. I just know what I don't like." (I'm paraphrasing here for sure).
But it's funny because in her mind, there is no fear, only hate. What she doesn't realize is that her hate is driven by fear...
Noha, your writing is always compelling. I felt every word.
I am happy, so happy, that you blocked that woman.
May your confidence in your gut increase -- because I believe you knew that she asked her question in the most raggedy light possible. You knew. (I am preaching to myself, too)
I will be the commenter to say that you absolutely handled yourself with grace, AND if you decided to handle yourself with anger, to be indignant, to rage, that these, too, would be valid responses. We don't have to be well-behaved in order to be righteous.
Awww Sharifa, thank you. Yes. I knew in my bones that she was asking in the most raggedy light possible. And YET! 😅😅😅
I'm glad this gave me the chance to trust my gut too... I know it'll be a back and forth thing, but I think each time (as awful as it is) helps me build to the point where I care less about being liked by people who are determined to hate me.
Thank you for sharing her name so I can block her, too. There was nothing in her comment that could be taken as a “good” faith argument, and I’m glad you didn’t waste your energy to respond. I personally like to leave people like that to stew in their own poison and use their vitriol as fuel to stay focused on “the work” towards a more equitable world. I also recalled Toni Morrison’s thoughts on racism, as I often do. She was incredibly wise and I’m so grateful that she offered her works to the world.
Thanks, Starbie. I really struggle not to engage but I get in my own way. Toni Morrison is brilliant, and her work strengthens the soul, and makes me braver.
I’m glad you blocked her. I’m so sorry she caused you any stress at all. And this is a gorgeous, wise reply to all the haters. Thanks so much for this.
So perfect, Noha. There's only one reason to go somewhere else to live as you said, because you think your life will be better there. The Europeans have been doing that for centuries. Even more recently, after the two world wars my country (Brazil) received millions of people from Spain, Portugal, Italy, Germany, Japan...But, if Brazilians want to move to those countries...
That's not to talk about the "digital nomads" who invade cheaper and sunnier countries and destroy the economy for locals. But well, rich and white are "expats" and welcome, brown and poor are immigrants and should go back to where they came from.
Noha, there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said by your community here. Just that I'm so grateful we get to hear and read your voice, and grateful that your parents and all those who came before you conspired to ensure your very self was dreamed into existence. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and how fortunate for us!
I'm so sorry this happened to you Noha. That kind of impulse comes from such a strange place; if she really wanted you to answer those questions she could have Dm'd and asked to have a private conversation one on one. I'm so glad you shared it, it reminded me of that James Baldwin quote, "I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense that once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."
You’re so right, Deirdre. Honestly, I am happy to engage in awkward conversations that come from a place of real curiosity. I’ve done it countless times.
Thank you also for sharing that James Baldwin quote - it gave me shivers. He’s always brilliant, isn’t he?
The “I wanted to - “ structure of this essay is perfect, along with the Morrison quote. Explanations never end. So I’m glad you didn’t waste your precious life energy offering one. :-)
It is incredibly difficult discerning if someone is being genuinely in their questioning or if they are going to be relentless and choose to misunderstand. Always best to reserve your energy. As a Black American, I understand you as much as I can assume I can from what I can glean from your beautiful writing. We are home even if our neighbors don’t like us. It is what it is. We still belong here! Much love for you!
Carrington, thank you for this! I'm going to assume that you do understand! I was visiting with a friend of mine, a white Canadian who is an ally, and I told her about how I think we (different "visible minorities") might have different specifics, but that the patterns are the same in terms of our challenges, in terms of our how we're treated or othered.
I definitely struggled with wondering if it was a genuine exchange, and when they are, I'm happy to answer awkward questions that come from a true place of curiosity. This one, I think I knew right away that it wasn't genuine, even though I really wanted it to be.
In the words of Zora Neale Hurston, "When you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it."
This is what it means to own your narrative and message. Truth telling look good on you, my friend.
I love love love this quote and I forget it often. Then when I read it again it's like a (good) slap in the face. Thank you for sharing it.
And thank you for your support and your friendship and for listening to me vent (all the time lol).
need to inject that quote into my veins 💉
Yes…there WILL always be one more thing. Because the argument isn’t logical. It isn’t historical. It isn’t grounded in any sort of reality. It’s emotional. It’s “I don’t like you because…” and its always ultimately because you’re different, in their minds. It’s the difference that they can’t handle, that makes them uncomfortable. So the problem is in their mind. It’s them.
I can’t stand this kind of bullying…I heard it too often as a teacher and I have no patience for it from adults.
Great Toni Morrison quote, thanks!
Leah, I love the way you described this! The problem *is* in their minds. This is a good way to think about it and will hopefully keep me in check the next time my people pleasing tendencies kick in with a hateful person.
My blood *BOILED* reading that comment, and I DO.NOT.KNOW how you did it all with such grace. It's good you did not reply and I am so happy I came across this essay. I will be saving it to re-read when the time comes (which we all know it will because there will always be that person) and for I need a reminder of how to face such challenges. I also love that you and Marc Typo lean on each other <3 because I love his newsletter too. And on that note, I am reminded that there are a lot of people here who are just cool AF and that's what I need to cling to. Sending you lots of love.
Thanks Naz! I feel that rage and my blood was boiling too... It's too bad that we know it will happen again. Ugh. I actually felt it in my body when I read the comments and then it just STAYED in me. I didn't feel lighter until I wrote this piece, and then the fog lifted. Isn't it incredible how the body keeps the score?
Marc is awesome! One of my favourite things on here is meeting all the awesome people who are here. There are so many! It's literally been life changing. Receiving your love and sending you lots back.
Oof, I feel that rage boiling and I’m so glad that writing your response (to us! Not to her!) is what lifted it. I love that you chose your audience. That seems like self-care AND justice. I know that your sharing stokes my fire of outrage and inspires me to be and do better. While writing anything to her, and having to twist yourself in knots to figure out what and how to write - would likely drain you yet fuel her fire of hate, which could never be fed enough anyway. Better to stand and dance in your own shape, and build your fire - and ours! - back up! Thank you for being you.
Anne-Marie those words were poetic and powerful!
We are fueling each other's fire - I love it!!
thank you 🙏🏽🙏🏽
It's a side point, but when you initially spoke about media representation, and then shared this awful response, I thought about the fact that you write on the internet. Substack is not a nation state or a racial demographic. Those of us reading conent in English are linked only by the language. Physically we are all over the place. You could literally take yourself to Egypt and live there forever and still want to increase the representation of real-life Muslims, in their own words, on the English-speaking section of the internet.
Rahma!! MIND BLOWN I hadn't even thought of that!! Oh my God even the internet is assumed to be American lol.
You held your ground with such poise and grace Noha. The poignancy and wisdom in face of vitriol and hate is the true spirit of civil disobedience. You wield your words like weapons Noha and the rest will fall into place. So happy to see this post in response to those banal racial lies. It’s absolutely necessary to not engage with hate comments.
Thank you so much, Swarnali. I really appreciate this. I have to tell you that I really did consider engaging. I know in theory that I shouldn't, but somehow, every time I'm faced with a situation in practice, online anyway, I get sucked back into the "oh, maybe I misunderstood. I should talk to them" thinking. I credit my friend Marc, who has been instrumental in reminding me not to fall into it, not to waste my time and energy. I'm really glad I didn't.
❤️❤️❤️
Marc is a true friend Noha. I am so glad he stepped in to prevent you from waddling into the murky waters of debating with hate. Hate knows no logic and the instigation is based on aggression rather a space of understanding. I know from my personal experience online (and the wrong decision to engage) that such engagement drains all the enthusiasm and energy out of you and perhaps that was the primary motivate of the commentator afterall.
Never let them prevent you from doing your work. Never. The only best response to hate is detached observation and rightly sharing it later in a forum where you will be listened. Brava for doing the right thing!
I'm sorry someone even talked to you that way. You belong wherever it is you exist. I'm a white woman and yet I'm still constantly told to go back to where I came from, because I'm a liberal in a red state. I don't know why these people are so scared. They insist they are not scared, but I think their bigotry is fear based at the core.
I think you're right, MaryClare. I think it comes from fear too. It's funny because someone did call her Islamophobic in the comments (before I blocked her) and she came back with "I'm not Islamophobic! I'm not afraid of anything. I just know what I don't like." (I'm paraphrasing here for sure).
But it's funny because in her mind, there is no fear, only hate. What she doesn't realize is that her hate is driven by fear...
If someone offered you an explanation as to why "these people" are frightened, would you care?
Noha, your writing is always compelling. I felt every word.
I am happy, so happy, that you blocked that woman.
May your confidence in your gut increase -- because I believe you knew that she asked her question in the most raggedy light possible. You knew. (I am preaching to myself, too)
I will be the commenter to say that you absolutely handled yourself with grace, AND if you decided to handle yourself with anger, to be indignant, to rage, that these, too, would be valid responses. We don't have to be well-behaved in order to be righteous.
Awww Sharifa, thank you. Yes. I knew in my bones that she was asking in the most raggedy light possible. And YET! 😅😅😅
I'm glad this gave me the chance to trust my gut too... I know it'll be a back and forth thing, but I think each time (as awful as it is) helps me build to the point where I care less about being liked by people who are determined to hate me.
It is awful. Violent.
We're here to remind you when the words are chaff. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing her name so I can block her, too. There was nothing in her comment that could be taken as a “good” faith argument, and I’m glad you didn’t waste your energy to respond. I personally like to leave people like that to stew in their own poison and use their vitriol as fuel to stay focused on “the work” towards a more equitable world. I also recalled Toni Morrison’s thoughts on racism, as I often do. She was incredibly wise and I’m so grateful that she offered her works to the world.
Thanks, Starbie. I really struggle not to engage but I get in my own way. Toni Morrison is brilliant, and her work strengthens the soul, and makes me braver.
I’m glad you blocked her. I’m so sorry she caused you any stress at all. And this is a gorgeous, wise reply to all the haters. Thanks so much for this.
Thank you, Mary. Your support means so much to me.
So perfect, Noha. There's only one reason to go somewhere else to live as you said, because you think your life will be better there. The Europeans have been doing that for centuries. Even more recently, after the two world wars my country (Brazil) received millions of people from Spain, Portugal, Italy, Germany, Japan...But, if Brazilians want to move to those countries...
Oof! Yes, if it were the other way around - what a thought! It speaks volumes about who is welcome and who is not.
That's not to talk about the "digital nomads" who invade cheaper and sunnier countries and destroy the economy for locals. But well, rich and white are "expats" and welcome, brown and poor are immigrants and should go back to where they came from.
Noha, there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said by your community here. Just that I'm so grateful we get to hear and read your voice, and grateful that your parents and all those who came before you conspired to ensure your very self was dreamed into existence. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and how fortunate for us!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww soaking up the love. Thank you...
I'm so sorry this happened to you Noha. That kind of impulse comes from such a strange place; if she really wanted you to answer those questions she could have Dm'd and asked to have a private conversation one on one. I'm so glad you shared it, it reminded me of that James Baldwin quote, "I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense that once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."
You’re so right, Deirdre. Honestly, I am happy to engage in awkward conversations that come from a place of real curiosity. I’ve done it countless times.
Thank you also for sharing that James Baldwin quote - it gave me shivers. He’s always brilliant, isn’t he?
Yes, he’s from another world than the rest of us.
Powerful is an understatement for this essay Noha. Your work moves me deeply 💜
Thank you! I'm touched and I appreciate it.
🧡🧡
The “I wanted to - “ structure of this essay is perfect, along with the Morrison quote. Explanations never end. So I’m glad you didn’t waste your precious life energy offering one. :-)
Thank you for the great clip on “reverse racism”!
Thank you so much, Tara!
I love that clip so much and I’m glad to show it to everyone I can 😅
It is incredibly difficult discerning if someone is being genuinely in their questioning or if they are going to be relentless and choose to misunderstand. Always best to reserve your energy. As a Black American, I understand you as much as I can assume I can from what I can glean from your beautiful writing. We are home even if our neighbors don’t like us. It is what it is. We still belong here! Much love for you!
Carrington, thank you for this! I'm going to assume that you do understand! I was visiting with a friend of mine, a white Canadian who is an ally, and I told her about how I think we (different "visible minorities") might have different specifics, but that the patterns are the same in terms of our challenges, in terms of our how we're treated or othered.
I definitely struggled with wondering if it was a genuine exchange, and when they are, I'm happy to answer awkward questions that come from a true place of curiosity. This one, I think I knew right away that it wasn't genuine, even though I really wanted it to be.
Thank you for writing this, Noha. Beautiful, powerful, (unfortunately) needed.
Thank you so much, Dana. I wish it wasn't needed too.